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Etc.

Only in America - The Top Ten

  1. Only in America could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000 a plate campaign fund raising event.
  2. Only in America could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when we have a black President, a black Attorney General, and roughly 18% of the federal workforce is black. Yet only 12% of the population is black.
  3. Only in America could we have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner, the head of the Treasury Department and Charles Rangel who once ran the Ways and Means Committee, BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes.
  4. Only in America can we have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.
  5. Only in America would we make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege while we discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just become American citizens.
  6. Only in America could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country's Constitution be thought of as "extremists."
  7. Only in America could you need to present a driver's license to cash a check or buy alcohol, open a bank account, fly on an airplane, but not to vote.
  8. Only in America could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. Oil company (Marathon Oil) is less than half of a company making tennis shoes (Nike).
  9. Only in America could the government collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, still spend a trillion dollars more than it has per year for total spending of $7 million PER MINUTE, and complain that it doesn't have nearly enough money.
  10. Only in America could the rich people who pay 86% of all income taxes be accused of not paying their "fair share" by people who don't pay any income taxes at all.

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City.

A woman may go to this store and purchase a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

RULES FOR PURCHASING A HUSBAND:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1- These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to the gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head.

The husband jumps out of bed begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself

Hysterically the blonde screams back at her husband,

"Shut up! You're next"

You can't argue with this.

This is very interesting and all true.

For all of you who have made disparaging remarks about President Obama, please read the following...

I'm sure most of us have read the so-called comparison of Lincoln and Kennedy, but did you ever consider the relationship between Obama and Lincoln?

You might be surprised...

Parallels of Abraham Lincoln and Barack Hussein Obama:

  1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible.
  2. Lincoln came from Illinois. Obama comes from Illinois.
  3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.
  4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.
  5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.
  6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
  7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
  8. Lincoln was in the United States military. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
  9. Lincoln believed in everyone carrying their own weight. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
  10. Lincoln did not waste taxpayers' money on personal enjoyments. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
  11. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
  12. Lincoln was born in the United States. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
  13. Lincoln was honest, so honest he was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer
  14. Lincoln saved the United States. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

An Illegal Alien, a Muslim and a Marxist walk into a bar. The bartender asks: "What can I get you, Mr. President?"

Q. What's the difference between Obamacare and a car battery?

A. The car battery has a positive side.

Great Orators of the Democrat Party

“One man with courage makes a majority.” - Andrew Jackson

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” - Franklin D. Roosevelt

“The buck stops here.” - Harry S. Truman

“Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.” - John F. Kennedy

And, from today’s genius Democrats...

“It depends what your definition of 'Sex' is?” - Bill Clinton

“That Obama ... I would like to cut his nuts off.” - Jesse Jackson

“Those rumors are false ... I believe in the sanctity of marriage.” - John Edwards

“I invented the Internet.” - Al Gore

“The next Person that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their ass.” - Joe Biden

“America is - is no longer, uh, what it - it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was - uh, and I say to myself, uh, I don't want that future, uh, for my children.” - Barack Obama

“I have campaigned in all 57 states.” - Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)

“You don't need God anymore, you have us Democrats.” - Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006)

“Paying taxes is voluntary.” - Sen. Harry Reid

“Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he.” - Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998)

And the most recent gem of wisdom from the “Mother Moron”

“We just have to pass the Healthcare Bill to see what's in it.” - Nancy Pelosi (Quoted March, 2010)

HOW LUCKY CAN WE BE - TO HAVE SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN CHARGE OF OUR ONCE GREAT COUNTRY?

“Life's tough ... it's even tougher if you're stupid.” - John Wayne

Islamic Attacks and Threats During Obama’s Presidency

(from here)

Last year (2010) Obama made a statement during a 9/11 event in which he said “as Americans we are not — and never will be — at war with Islam.”

Maybe the president needs to remind Islam about this because they certainly don’t seem to know.

Since taking office, the U.S. has either been attacked or threatened by attacks by Islamists at least 11+ times. These aren’t random terrorist affronts by other countries, or Jared Loughner-type kooks (as the mainstream media would like you to believe)—they are ISLAMIC TERRORISTS.

Here’s a list of Islamic terrorist attacks and/or threats of attacks that have occurred on U.S. soil and U.S. military bases since Obama took office in January, 2009.

Oh and just a reminder—although 9/11 happened 8 months after President Bush took office, during his 8-year presidency we never had any other Islamic terrorist attack in the U.S. They knew better.

1. Binghamton, New York — May, 2009
Taliban chief claims responsibility for N.Y. shooting massacre.

2. Bronx, New York — May, 2009
FBI arrest four in alleged plot to bomb Bronx synagogues, shoot down plane

3. Little Rock, Arkansas — June, 2009
Shooting at military recruiting center; 1 dead, 1 wounded; suspect is anti-military Muslim convert

4. New York and Colorado – September 21, 2009
Three men were arrested and charged in the ongoing terror probe centered around New York and Colorado. The three men are Najibullah Zazi, 24; his father Mohammed Wali Zazi, 53; and Ahmad Wais Afzali, 37. When authorities searched Zazi’s car, they found a laptop computer that contained “a jpeg image of nine-pages of handwritten notes. Zazi had connections to high levels of al Qaeda.

5. Dallas, Texas — September 22, 2009
A 19-year-old Jordanian man, Hosam Maher Husein Smadi, was arrested on charges he intended to bomb a downtown Dallas skyscraper. Smadi placed what he believed to be a car bomb outside the 60-story Fountain Place office tower, according to a statement from the U.S. attorney’s office in Dallas. The decoy device was given to him by an undercover FBI agent.

6. Fort Hood, Texas — November, 2009
Fort Hood massacre: Major Hasan killed 13 service men and women and wounded over 40 others. He has been linked to al-Qaeda.

7. Detroit, Michigan – December, 2009
Northwest 253 passengers tell of thwarted Detroit terror attack.

8. May, 1st, 2010 United States New York City, New York
United States New York’s Times Square was evacuated after the discovery of a car bomb.[235] en.wikipedia.org

9. Thwarted attack in November 2010 by ‘Christmas tree bomber’
Mohamed Osman Mohamud is accused of plotting to bomb a Portland, Ore., Christmas tree lighting ceremony. www.csmonitor.com

10. Frankfort, Germany United States Military base, March 2011
Islamist terrorists attacked US military base killing two US soldiers. abcnews.go.com

11. New York and DC, September 9, 2011
Islamic terrorists threaten to attack on the 10-year anniversary of 9/11. Both cities on ‘high alert’ as ‘a specific, credible threat’ targets New York and Washington. www.foxnews.com

Who am I?

(Think hard as you read this and try to imagine, before coming to the end, who this is. Not many will get it right.)

I was born in one country, raised in another.

My father was born in another country.

I was not his only child.

He fathered several children with numerous women.

I became very close to my mother, as my father showed no interest in me.

My mother died at an early age from cancer.

Although my father deserted me and my mother raised me, I later wrote a book idolizing my father not my mother.

Later in life, questions arose over my real name.

My birth records were sketchy.

No one was able to produce a legitimate, reliable birth certificate.

I grew up practicing one faith but converted to Christianity, as it was widely accepted in my new country, but I practiced non-traditional beliefs and didn't follow Christianity, except in the public eye under scrutiny.

I worked and lived among lower-class people as a young adult, disguising myself as someone who really cared about them.

That was before I decided it was time to get serious about my life and embarked on a new career.

I wrote a book about my struggles growing up.

It was clear to those who read my memoirs, that I had difficulties accepting that my father abandoned me as a child.

I became active in local politics in my 30's then, with help behind the scenes, I literally burst onto the scene as a candidate For national office in my 40s.

They said I had a golden tongue and could talk anyone into anything.

I had a virtually non-existent resume, little work history, and no experience in leading a single organization.

Yet I was a powerful speaker and citizens were drawn to me, as though I were a magnet and they were small roofing tacks.

I drew incredibly large crowds during my public appearances.

This bolstered my ego.

At first, my political campaign focused on my country's foreign policy...

I was very critical of my country in the last war, and seized every opportunity to bash my country.

But what launched my rise to national prominence were my views on the country's economy.

I pretended to have a really good plan on how we could do better, and every poor person would be fed and housed for free.

I knew which group was responsible for getting us into this mess.

It was the free market, banks and corporations.

I decided to start making citizens hate them and, if they became envious of others who did well, the plan was clinched tight.

I called mine "A People's Campaign".

That sounded good to all people.

I was the surprise candidate because I emerged from outside the traditional path of politics and was able to gain widespread popular support.

I knew that, if I merely offered the people "hope," together we could "change" our country and the world.

So, I started to make my speeches sound like they were on behalf of the downtrodden, poor, ignorant to include "persecuted Minorities".

My true views were not widely known and I kept them unknown, until after I became my nation's leader.

I had to carefully guard reality, as anybody could have easily found out what I really believed, if they had simply read my writings and examined those people associated with. I'm glad they didn't.

Then I became the most powerful man in the world.

And then world learned the truth.

Who am I?

ADOLPH HITLER

If you were thinking of SOMEONE ELSE, you should be scared, very scared!

Catching Wild Pigs?

There was a chemistry professor in a large college that had some exchange students in the class. One day while the class was in the lab, the Prof noticed one young man, an exchange student, who kept rubbing his back and stretching as if his back hurt.

The professor asked the young man what was the matter.

The student told him he had a bullet lodged in his back. He had been shot while fighting communists in his native country who were trying to overthrow his country’s government and install a new communist regime.

In the midst of his story, he looked at the professor and asked a strange question. He asked: "Do you know how to catch wild pigs?"

The professor thought it was a joke and asked for the punch line. The young man said that it was no joke.

"You catch wild pigs by finding a suitable place in the woods and putting corn on the ground. The pigs find it and begin to come everyday to eat the free corn. When they are used to coming every day, you put a fence down one side of the place where they are used to coming.

When they get used to the fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you put up another side of the fence.

They get used to that and start to eat again. You continue until you have all four sides of the fence up with a gate in the last side.

The pigs, which are used to the free corn, start to come through the gate to eat that free corn again.

You then slam the gate on them and catch the whole herd. Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom.

They run around and around inside the fence, but they are caught.

Soon they go back to eating the free corn. They are so used to it that they have forgotten how to forage in the woods for themselves, so they accept their captivity."

The young man then told the professor that is exactly what he sees happening in America.

The government keeps pushing us toward Communism/Socialism and keeps spreading the free corn out in the form of programs such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned income, tax exemptions, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments not to plant crops (CRP), welfare, medicine, drugs, etc. while we continually lose our freedoms, just a little at a time.

One should always remember two truths:

  1. There is no such thing as a free lunch, someone is paying for it
  2. and when you begin to think that having your government provide for you and make your decisions is ok, realize that you’ve also given up the freedom that goes with making your own choices.

If you see that all of this wonderful government ‘help’ is a problem confronting the future of democracy in America, you might want to share this with your friends.

If you think the ‘free ride’ is essential to your way of life, then you will probably ignore this.

But God help you when the gate slams shut!

THE NEW ANT and the Grasshopper

The ANT and the GRASSHOPPER

This one is a little different .... Two Different Versions .... Two Different Morals

OLD VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:
Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not EasyBeing Green...'

ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the SEIU group singing, We shall overcome.

Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper's sake, while he damns the ants.

President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush 43, President Bush 41, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the Grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & anti-Grasshopper Act Retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government GreenCzar and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be VERY careful how you vote in 2012.

Next time...

As you open your pockets for the next natural disaster, please keep these facts in mind:

The American Red Cross President and CEO Marsha J. Evans Salary for the year was $651,957 plus expenses.

The United Way President Brian Gallagher receives $375,000 base salary along with numerous expense benefits.

UNICEF CEO Caryl M. Stern receives $1,200,000 per year (100k per month) plus all expenses including a ROLLS ROYCE. Less than 5 cents of your donated dollar goes to the cause.

The Salvation Army's Commissioner Todd Bassett receives a salary of only $13,000 per year (plus housing) for managing this $2 billion dollar organization. 96 percent of donated dollars go to the cause.

The American Legion National Commander receives a $0.00 zero salary . Your donations go to help Veterans and their families and youth!

No further comment is necessary. Please share this with everyone you can.

Annoy a liberal

Pick a fight with a liberal on:

FAIRNESS.

The top 5 percent of taxpayers contribute 60 percent of government revenue; the top 10 percent of taxpayers contribute 75 percent of revenue; another two-fifths make up the rest. Half the U.S. population is now exempt from paying tax. 2012 may turn out to be the first presidential election in American history where non-taxpaying voters outnumber taxpaying voters. At this point, remind the liberal: "Still, I guess the imbalance will find a way of working itself out in the end. Your side thinks it can go on taking more and more of our money. Our side has most of the guns and ammunition."

ELITISM.

Liberals believe in egalitarianism. They don't often get called on it, though, because no one bothers to defend elitism—but you should. Ask a liberal, "So you really disapprove of competition and hierarchy and achievement and want everything to be equal do you? Well, answer me this, if you were president and you needed a handful of troops to do a delicate, dangerous job, who would you turn to—a unit of racially and sexually and disability diverse troops or the elite: Special Forces, Navy Seals, Delta Force? When you watch football, assuming you're willing to watch something so violent and competitive, do you want to watch the elite, the best of the best, the professionals who made it to the NFL on the basis of their talent and training, or a United Nations coordinated rainbow coalition of teams drawn from men and women from around the world to make it a truly global unisex game? Or suppose you needed serious surgery, would you prefer the operation to be done by a surgeon with years of practice behind him, drawn from the elite of the medical profession, or by a deserving recent immigrant, selected for the task as a result of the new Obamafair™ social justice program designed to boost the self-esteem of low-skill workers while simultaneously combating society's sexist, racist, elitist hegemony?"

Q: What’s the difference between Obama’s cabinet and a penitentiary?

A: One is filled with blackmailers, tax-evaders, and threats to society. The other’s for housing prisoners.

Quote the wisdom of Al Gore:
"I think the cost of energy will come down when we make this transition to renewable energy."

Quote more of the wisdom of Al Gore:
"The presidency is more than just a popularity contest."

Say you're trying to fly as much as possible this year so as to increase your Carbon Footprint.
When the liberal turns red and accuses you of killing the planet, reply: "Say WHAT? Of course carbon dioxide is good. Carbon dioxide is plant food. The more of it we have the better stuff grows and more people we can feed using less land. You have a problem with that? You, what, want Africans to starve or something?"

Give them another reason why Obama has GOT to go.
He has killed whatever was left of the "Special Relationship" by repeatedly stabbing America's most loyal ally, Britain, in the back: returning the Winston Churchill bust; snubbing a visiting British Prime Minister with a gift of a box of crappy DVDs (when in return Obama got a really thoughtful present: an ornamental pen-holder made from the timbers of the Victorian anti-slave ship HMS Gannet); stoking up further anti-Brit resentment by referring constantly to the multinational BP as "British Petroleum"-a name it hasn't used in over a decade.

Deploy the Reductio ad Hitmleram
To a Green: "Hey! So you must be a big fan of Hitler's Germany. No one was greener than those Nazis. They were the first nation to take eco-protection seriously with their Reich Nature Protection Law of 1935; the first to think up the idea of a clean air act (though they could never get it to work-maybe it was those ovens that were the problem); the first to recognize how vital it was for Big Government to police every tiny detail of the nation's dietary habits. Personally I think I might have found all that Eco-Nazism a bit oppressive. But if that's the kind of thing that rocks your boat, well who am I to judge?"

Cite Vladimir Illich Lenin as evidence of why it makes sense to home-school your kids:
"Give me four years to teach the children and the seed I have sown will never be uprooted."

Explain to a liberal the real reason why Democrats are so keen to reintroduce the Fairness Doctrine.
Because liberals make such uninspiring radio broadcasters, the only way they'll ever get commercial airtime is by government diktat. Almost every popular broadcaster is a conservative: Rush Limbaugh, G. Gordon Liddy, Michael Savage, Bill O'Reilly, Laura Ingraham, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Mark Levin... The long and undistinguished list of liberals who have had their radio shows cancelled due to lack of listener interest includes ex-New York mayor Ed Koch, ex-California governor Jerry Brown, Harvard law professor Alan Dershowitz, actress Janeane Garofalo, ex-presidential candidate Gary Hart...

Praise the enlightened attitudes of those nice, caring Palestinians in Hamas-who recently banned women from riding motorcycles.
Clearly their motivation is to protect the fairer sex from the myriad dangers associated with this most risky form of transport. No wonder liberal Americans prefer Gaza's gentle, sensitive feminist government to that of Israel, whose government callously treats its women folk as if they were no different from men. Why, Israeli women are even allowed to disport themselves in revealing swimwear on the beach, exposing themselves to the lascivious stares of men who might at any stage come up to them and say "Hi!" and invite them for a drink, with goodness knows what terrible potential consequences. Much better to live in Gaza, where the religious police protect girls from such horrors by giving them a sound beating if they are found improperly dressed!

Quote Norman Thomas (U.S. socialist presidential candidate) on the true evils of liberalism:
"The American people will never knowingly adopt socialism. But, under the name of 'liberalism,' they will adopt every fragment of the socialist program, until one day America will be a socialist nation, without knowing how it happened."

Remark that it would be more than your life is worth to call Muhammad a "pedophile."
Explain that, of course, you understand that in seventh century Arabia when the Prophet married nine-year-old Aisha, child marriage was considered an entirely normal, healthy thing; who are we to judge to other cultures?

Always refer to greenies
like Al Gore, Carol Browner, and Ed Begley Jr. as "Watermelons" - green on the outside, red on the inside.

Tell a Nancy Pelosi joke:

A man washed up on a desert island after a ship wreck. The only other survivors were a sheep and a sheepdog.

The three of them got into the habit of going down to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds and the breeze was warm and gentle. It was a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over and put his arm around the sheep.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man backed away.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.

That evening, the man took Nancy to watch the sunset. It was another beautiful tropical evening-perfect for romance. Before long the man started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in, moved closer to Nancy and told her he hadn’t had sex for months.

Nancy batted her long, lovely eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do to help.

"Yes," he said, "Take the dog for a walk."

If you are gay,
always refer to your proclivity fondly as "my perversion"-or better still, when among your fellow gays, "Our perversion." Few things rile a liberal more than when a designated "victim" refuses to play identity politics.

Celebrate Earth Day (April 22)
by reminding liberals of all the whacko predictions made by environmentalists in 1970, the year the event was founded: a new Ice Age (Newsweek); a world "eleven degrees colder by the year 2000" (Kenneth Watt); by 1985 air pollution to reduce the amount of sunlight reaching earth by one half (Life magazine); by 1995 between 75 and 85 percent of all species to be extinct (Earth Day founder Gaylord Nelson); mass starvation (Earth Day organizer Denis Hayes). Say: "Thank you, thank you, Earth Day! If those 20 million hippies hadn’t taken the day off work, we’d all be dead by now!"

On Adolf Hitler’s birthday (April 20), call up all your liberal friends to congratulate them.
When they express outrage, respond with deep surprise: "But I thought... well, I thought Hitler was kind of a role model for you socialists? He loved big government... and furry animals... and hated smoking... and thought we needed to get beyond restrictive Judeo-Christian morality... and was pro-Muslim..."

Combat sexism:
When playing mixed pairs golf, show solidarity with feminist players by insisting that men and women tee off from the same spot. Explain that you are doing your bit to combat the outrageous, phallocentric calumny that women are too weak to hit small spherical objects as far as men.

Quote Joe Biden on Barack Obama:
"I mean, you got the first main stream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy."

Remind a liberal that more people died in Teddy Kennedy’s car than were killed at Three Mile Island.

If you see a liberal wearing a Che Guevara t-shirt, say: "Yeah, when I was a kid I thought I was cool and outrageous wearing a Charles Manson t-shirt—until my mom and dad told me exactly the sick things he’d done. I guess you never learned that your sicko mass murderer Che killed way more people than my mass murderer did."

Conservative history:
Explain how conservatives are the primary drivers of man’s evolution. For instance, fire can only possibly have been discovered by a conservative unworried by liberal health and safety regulations. Moreover, by learning to cook meat, Early man made it more digestible, meaning he had more energy available to develop not only his "brawnpower" but his brainpower. If Homo Liberalis had gotten his way, fire would have been banned as a dangerous substance, and we’d still be living in the trees, chewing natural, healthy, raw vegetables, burping contentedly, and being ruled by a loud, gossipy matriarchy of Oprahs and Streisands.

Tell your liberal friends you prefer foreign policy Teddy Roosevelt style:
"Speak softly and carry a big stick" to foreign policy Barack Obama style: "Speak softly, bow deeply, and apologize often."

Another reason why Obama has GOT to go.
He doesn’t think America’s anything special. No really, he doesn’t. Quote: "I believe in American exceptionalism, just as I suspect the Brits believe in British exceptionalism and the Greeks believe in Greek exceptionalism." In other words: everybody’s special. Tell your friend that, with his Barney the Dinosaur egalitarian worldview of everybody being special, Obama ought to be a kindergarten teacher, leading the kids in non-competitive, non-judgmental songs, not the leader of the free world.

Another reason why Obama has GOT to go.
He’s a Muslim extremist. Witness his disastrous Cairo speech, in which he toadied to the worst elements of Islam-and betrayed the moderate elements-a) by referring to the 9/11 killers not as "terrorists," but as "violent extremists" b) by pandering to the notion that there is an Islamic global community ("Ummah") set apart from the rest of the world; c) by apologizing on the West’s behalf for the (defensive) Crusades; and d) by announcing that it wasn’t the business of the United States to decide which countries can and can’t have nuclear weapons (so go right ahead, Mister Ahmadinejad).... Oh-did anyone mention this before? - and his middle name is Hussein, and he made one of NASA’s top priorities an outreach program to make Muslims feel good about Islam’s alleged contributions to science.

On Martin Luther King Day
Ask why we have a public holiday named after a Vietcong-supporting radical who - in a 1967 speech - compared U.S. forces in Vietnam to Nazis. (True, by the way.) That ought to pull your liberal friend up short. If he recovers his wits and says MLK was right about Vietnam, tell him to talk to some Boat People. In the meantime, you’ll celebrate Lee-Jackson Day, because Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson were officers and gentlemen.

Next time you hear a reference to "America’s first black president,"
counter by referring to Obama as "America’s 44th white president." Explain that you’re doing so on feminist grounds: "What? You’re trying to tell me that his Caucasian mom’s genetic input doesn’t count? But that’s so SEXIST!"

Tell them you don’t give a damn about the polar bears.
And it’s not because you don’t like cute, fluffy, white carnivores; it’s because you find it hard to accept that a species whose population has increased fivefold—from 5,000 to 25,000—in the last five decades can actually be in any kind of trouble.

Quote the wisdom of Al "Nature Watch" Gore:
"A zebra does not change its spots."

President Barack Obama's Complete List of Historic Firsts

(Ref.: http://directorblue.blogspot.com/2011/06/president-barack-obamas-complete-list.html)

Yes, he's historic, alright.

But remember: he will not rest until all Americans have jobs, affordable homes, green-energy vehicles, and the environment is repaired, etc., etc., etc.

How they vote in the United Nations

Below are the actual voting records of various Arabic/Islamic States which are recorded in both the US State Department and United Nations records:

Kuwait votes against the United States 67% of the time

Qatar votes against the United States 67% of the time

Morocco votes against the United States 70% of the time

United Arab Emirates votes against the U. S. 70% of the time.

Jordan votes against the United States 71% of the time.

Tunisia votes against the United States 71% of the time.

Saudi Arabia votes against the United States 73% of the time.

Yemen votes against the United States 74% of the time.

Algeria votes against the United States 74% of the time.

Oman votes against the United States 74% of the time.

Sudan votes against the United States 75% of the time.

Pakistan votes against the United States 75% of the time.

Libya votes against the United States 76% of the time.

Egypt votes against the United States 79% of the time.

Lebanon votes against the United States 80% of the time.

India votes against the United States 81% of the time.

Syria votes against the United States 84% of the time.

Mauritania votes against the United States 87% of the time.

U S Foreign Aid to those that hate us:

Egypt, for example, after voting 79% of the time against the United States, still receives $2 billion annually in US Foreign Aid.

Jordan votes 71% against the United States and receives $192,814,000 annually in US Foreign Aid.

Pakistan votes 75% against the United States receives $6,721,000,000 annually in US Foreign Aid.

India votes 81% against the United States receives $143,699,000 annually.

WHY? WHO IN THE HECK STARTED THIS AND WHY? THEY ACTUALLY BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS THEM.

Perhaps it is time to get out of the UN and give the tax savings back to the American workers who are having to skimp and sacrifice to pay the taxes.

Arizona Governor VS: Phoenix Suns Owner

Maybe this is a language he can understand.

The owner of the Phoenix Suns basketball team, Robert Sarver, opposes AZ's new immigration laws. Arizona 's Governor, Jan Brewer, released the following statement in response to Sarver's criticism of the new law:

"What if the owners of the Suns discovered that hordes of people were sneaking into games without paying? What if they had a good idea who the gate-crashers are, but the ushers and security personnel were not allowed to ask these folks to produce their ticket stubs, thus non-paying attendees couldn't be ejected. Furthermore, what if Suns' ownership was expected to provide those who sneaked in with complimentary eats and drink? And what if, on those days when a gate-crasher became ill or injured, the Suns had to provide free medical care and shelter?"

- Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer

Try going to any other country without ID.

Arizona

Two of our presidents, one with character, one without.

George W. Bush speech after capture of Saddam:

The success of yesterday’s mission is a tribute to our men and women now serving in Iraq. The operation was based on the superb work of intelligence analysts who found the dictator’s footprints in a vast country. The operation was carried out with skill and precision by a brave fighting force. Our servicemen and women and our coalition allies have faced many dangers in the hunt for members of the fallen regime, and in their effort to bring hope and freedom to the Iraqi people. Their work continues, and so do the risks. Today, on behalf of the nation, I thank the members of our Armed Forces and I congratulate ’em.

Barack Obama speech after killing of bin Laden:

And so shortly after taking office, I directed Leon Panetta, the director of the CIA, to make the killing or capture of bin Laden the top priority of our war against al Qaeda, even as we continued our broader efforts to disrupt, dismantle, and defeat his network.

Then, last August, after years of painstaking work by our intelligence community, I was briefed on a possible lead to bin Laden. It was far from certain, and it took many months to run this thread to ground. I met repeatedly with my national security team as we developed more information about the possibility that we had located bin Laden hiding within a compound deep inside of Pakistan. And finally, last week, I determined that we had enough intelligence to take action, and I authorized an operation to get Osama bin Laden and bring him to justice. Today, at my direction, the United States launched a targeted operation against that compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan.

High School principal

We watched Dennis Prager of Colorado , along with Sara Palin and Tom Brokaw on TV a couple of weeks ago....what a dynamic, down to earth speaker. Even though Palin and Brokaw were also guest speakers they did little but nod and agree with him. This is the guy that should be running for President in 2012!

A Speech Every American High School Principal Should Give.... By Dennis Prager.

To the students and faculty of our high school:

I am your new principal, and honored to be so. There is no greater calling than to teach young people.

I would like to apprise you of some important changes coming to our school. I am making these changes because I am convinced that most of the ideas that have dominated public education in America have worked against you, against your teachers and against our country.

First, this school will no longer honor race or ethnicity. I could not care less if your racial makeup is black, brown, red, yellow or white. I could not care less if your origins are African, Latin American, Asian or European, or if your ancestors arrived here on the Mayflower or on slave ships. The only identity I care about, the only one this school will recognize, is your individual identity -- your character, your scholarship, your humanity. And the only national identity this school will care about is American.

This is an American public school, and American public schools were created to make better Americans. If you wish to affirm an ethnic, racial or religious identity through school, you will have to go elsewhere. We will end all ethnicity, race and non-American nationality-based celebrations. They undermine the motto of America , one of its three central values -- e pluribus Unum, "from many, one." And this school will be guided by America ’s values. This includes all after-school clubs. I will not authorize clubs that divide students based on any identities. This includes race, language, religion, sexual orientation or whatever else may become in vogue in a society divided by political correctness.

Your clubs will be based on interests and passions, not blood, ethnic, racial or other physically defined ties. Those clubs just cultivate narcissism -- an unhealthy preoccupation with the self -- while the purpose of education is to get you to think beyond yourself. So we will have clubs that transport you to the wonders and glories of art, music, astronomy, languages you do not already speak, carpentry and more. If the only extracurricular activities you can imagine being interested in are those based on ethnic, racial or sexual identity, that means that little outside of yourself really interests you.

Second, I am uninterested in whether English is your native language. My only interest in terms of language is that you leave this school speaking and writing English as fluently as possible. The English language has united America ’s citizens for over 200 years, and it will unite us at this school. It is one of the indispensable reasons this country of immigrants has always come to be one country. And if you leave this school without excellent English language skills, I would be remiss in my duty to ensure that you will be prepared to successfully compete in the American job market. We will learn other languages here -- it is deplorable that most Americans only speak English --but if you want classes taught in your native language rather than in English, this is not your school.

Third, because I regard learning as a sacred endeavor, everything in this school will reflect learning’s elevated status. This means, among other things, that you and your teachers will dress accordingly. Many people in our society dress more formally for Hollywood events than for church or school. These people have their priorities backward. Therefore, there will be a formal dress code at this school.

Fourth, no obscene language will be tolerated anywhere on this school’s property -- whether in class, in the hallways or at athletic events. If you can’t speak without using the f-word, you can’t speak. By obscene language I mean the words banned by the Federal Communications Commission, plus epithets such as "Nigger," even when used by one black student to address another black, or "bitch," even when addressed by a girl to a girlfriend. It is my intent that by the time you leave this school, you will be among the few your age to instinctively distinguish between the elevated and the degraded, the holy and the obscene.

Fifth, we will end all self-esteem programs. In this school, self-esteem will be attained in only one way -- the way people attained it until decided otherwise a generation ago -- by earning it. One immediate consequence is that there will be one valedictorian, not eight.

Sixth, and last, I am reorienting the school toward academics and away from politics and propaganda. No more time will be devoted to scaring you about smoking and caffeine, or terrifying you about sexual harassment or global warming. No more semesters will be devoted to condom wearing and teaching you to regard sexual relations as only or primarily a health issue. There will be no more attempts to convince you that you are a victim because you are not white, or not male, or not heterosexual or not Christian. We will have failed if any one of you graduates this school and does not consider him or herself inordinately lucky -- to be alive and to be an American.

Now, please stand and join me in the Pledge of Allegiance to the flag of our country. As many of you do not know the words, your teachers will hand them out to you.

The Green Thing

In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment. The woman apologized to him and explained, “We didn’t have the green thing back in my day.”

The clerk responded, "That’s our problem today. The former generation did not care enough to save our environment."

He was right, THAT generation didn’t have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned our milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn’t have the green thing back in that customer’s day.

In her day, we walked up stairs, because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. They didn’t have the green thing in her day.

Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the pricey throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing..

But that old lady is right, we didn’t have the green thing back in her day.

Back then, we had one TV or radio in the house, not a TV in every room, and the TV had a small screen the size of a hankerchief, not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded-up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she’s right, we didn’t have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain or facuet or hose when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time.

We refilled our writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn’t have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes or walked to school or rode the school bus instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service.

We had one or two electrical outlets in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

Isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the green thing back then?

Scientists are Baffled

There was an article in the US World Report regarding the orderly behavior of the Japanese citizens and the absence of looting after the earthquake and the nuclear nightmare. Social scientists are baffled by the total non-existence of looting and savage behavior in Japan considering the magnitude of this catastrophe.

They conferred with human study organizations as well as sociology experts throughout the United States.

Finally, after days and days of studies and meetings, they came to a conclusion.

There are no Blacks, Muslims or Mexicans in Japan.

Next question?

"Democrats - Brave enough to kill the unborn but not the enemy"

Q: What’s the difference between a liberal and a puppy?

A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

More Quotes

"Tolerance and Apathy Are The Last Virtues Of A Dying Society" - Aristotle (and we are there!)

"Some peoples sole contribution to a battle is to be the first casualty."

Honor Obama

Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of Obama. It will be named the "Union Worker."

It doesn’t work and you can’t fire it.

A good way to give the Post Office some badly needed business

I saw a fundamentalist Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River this morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was an illegal Hispanic drug cartel member who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.

If they didn’t get help, they’d surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff’s Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I’m starting to think I wasted a stamp.

Coyote Story

California:

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.

A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor’s dog, then bites the Governor.

  • The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
  • He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
  • He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
  • The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
  • The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
  • The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
  • The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
  • The Governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.
  • PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.

Wyoming

The Governor of Wyoming is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
  1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $1.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
  2. The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Wyoming is not.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?

(written by kids)

1. How do you decide whom to marry?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

2. What is the right age to get married?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

3. How can a stranger tell if two people are married?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

4. What do you think your mom and dad have in common?

Both don’t want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

5. What do most people do on a date?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

6. When is it okay to kiss someone?

When they’re rich. -- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

7. Is it better to be single or married?

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9

8. How would the world be different if people didn’t get married?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? -- Kelvin, age 8

9. How would you make a marriage work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10

If Obama Had Told Us Before His Election

October 16, 2009

by Phyllis Schlafly

If Barack Obama had campaigned on what he has actually done in his first 300 days in office, would he have been elected? That’s the question so many are asking today.

If Obama had told us he would appoint 34 Czars, reporting only to himself and not vetted or confirmed in the constitutional way, building a powerful unitary executive branch of government, would he have been elected? What if he had told us that his Green Jobs Czar had been a Communist, that the Science Czar wrote in a college textbook that compulsory "green abortions" are an acceptable way to control population growth, and that the Diversity Czar has spoken publicly of getting white media executives to "step down" in favor of minorities?

If Obama had told us he would take over the automobile industry faster than any socialist dictator ever nationalized an industry, fire the CEO of General Motors and replace him with a Democratic Party campaign contributor, would Obama have been elected? If Obama had campaigned on closing down thousands of profitable car dealers, nearly all Republicans, would we have believed that this vindictive financial retaliation against those who didn’t vote for Obama could happen in America?

If Hugo Chavez, the Communist who nationalized most of Venezuela’s industries, had said before the election that "Comrade Obama" would nationalize the U.S. automobile industry and "end up to his right," would anybody have believed it? If talk shows had warned against such a socialist takeover, would the Obama-loving media have accused them of McCarthyism?

If Obama had told us he would spend $3 billion in a Cash for Clunkers program that would use taxpayers’ funds to buy mostly foreign cars and grind up the used American cars traded in to make them unusable, would he have been elected?

If Obama had told us that his Stimulus package is a sham because it does not create private-sector jobs (as a tax cut would do), so that the unemployment rate has risen to nearly 10 percent, with 15 million Americans unemployed plus another 11 million underemployed, could he have been elected?

If Obama had told us his Supreme Court pick would be a woman who said repeatedly that a "Latina woman" would make better decisions than "a white male," that his pick for chief State Department lawyer would be a transnationalist who wants to integrate foreign law into law binding on U.S. citizens, and that his pick for Regulations Czar argues that animals are entitled to have lawyers to sue humans in court, would Obama have been elected?

If we had known that Obama would be totally incompetent as commander-in-chief of his chosen war in Afghanistan, and would not speak to the general in the field for 70 days, ignoring his dire report for six weeks, would Obama have been elected?

If Obama had told us he would have the government guarantee 90 percent of all U.S. mortgages, imposing $5 trillion in off-budget debt on U.S. taxpayers who had faithfully made their own mortgage payments, would he have been elected? And what if Obama had told us he would have the taxpayers take over 80 percent of all student loans at a cost of $1 trillion over the next decade?

If Obama had told us that he would make the U.S. government a major shareholder in Citigroup (one of the world’s largest banks), would you have believed he could get away with this socialist takeover?

If Obama had admitted that his health care plan would include the same provisions for which he ran negative TV ads against Hillary Clinton (a federal mandate requiring every American to buy health insurance) and against John McCain (a tax on high-cost employer-based plans), would Obama have been elected?

And what if Obama had told us that his federal health plan would pay for all abortions without regard to the Hyde Amendment, and provide full health care (including private doctor visits) to immigrants without requiring proof of legal residence?

If Obama had campaigned on increasing federal spending and debt from a multi-billion-dollar level to multi-trillions, would he have been elected? And what if Obama had told us that his promise to "spread the wealth around" would balloon his first year’s budget deficit to $1.6 trillion?

If Obama had told us that his promise to "spread the wealth around" meant wiping out the Republican welfare reform of 1996 and increasing annual welfare spending by 39 percent to almost $1 trillion a year by the end of his first term, would he have been elected?

If Obama had declared during his campaign that his first major speech abroad would be to the Muslim world, and that he would proclaim in Muslim Turkey that "one of the great strengths of the United States is . . . we do not consider ourselves a Christian nation," would he have been elected?

Ain’t this the truth

If a *conservative* doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.

If a *liberal *doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a *conservative* is a vegetarian, he doesn’t` eat meat.

If a *liberal* is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a *conservative* sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.

A liberal *wonders how to surrender gracefully.

If a *conservative *is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.

If a *liberal* is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a person of color is *conservative*, they see themselves as independently successful.

Their *liberal *counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.

If a *conservative* is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.

A *liberal *wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a *conservative* doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.*

Liberals* demand that those they don’t like be shut down.

If a *conservative* is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.

A *liberal *non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.. (Unless it’s a foreign religion, of course!)

If a *conservative *decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.

A *liberal* demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a *conservative *slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed.

If a *liberal *slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he’s in labor and then sues.

If a *conservative* reads this, he’ll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.

A *liberal *will delete it because he’s "offended".

Rules

Rule No. 1:   Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teen-ager uses the phrase "It’s not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule No. 1.

Rule No. 2:   The real world won’t care as much about your self-esteem as much as your school does. It’ll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it’s not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule No. 3:   Sorry, you won’t make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won’t be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn’t have a Gap label.

Rule No. 4:   If you think your teacher is tough, wait ’til you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he’s not going to ask you how you feel about it.

Rule No. 5:   Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren’t embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.

Rule No. 6:   It’s not your parents’ fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of "It’s my life," and "You’re not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it’s on your dime. Don’t whine about it, or you’ll sound like a baby boomer.

Rule No. 7:   Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents’ generation, try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule No. 8:   Your school may have done away with winners and losers. Life hasn’t. In some schools, they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. Failing grades have been abolished and class valedictorians scrapped, lest anyone’s feelings be hurt. Effort is as important as results. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life. (See Rule No. 1, Rule No. 2 and Rule No. 4.)

Rule No. 9:   Life is not divided into semesters, and you don’t get summers off. Not even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don’t get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on. While we’re at it, very few jobs are interested in fostering your self-expression or helping you find yourself. Fewer still lead to self-realization. (See Rule No. 1 and Rule No. 2.)

Rule No. 10:   Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be as perky or pliable as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule No. 11:   Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Rule No. 12:   Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look moronic. Next time you’re out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth. That’s what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for "expressing yourself" with purple hair and/or pierced body parts.

Rule No. 13:   You are not immortal. (See Rule No. 12.) If you are under the impression that living fast, dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven’t seen one of your peers at room temperature lately.

Rule No. 14:   Enjoy this while you can. Sure parents are a pain, school’s a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you’ll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now. You’re welcome.

- Charles J. Sykes

Quote

"A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellowman, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money." -- G. Gordon Liddy

Obama

Q: Why was Obama so disappointed when he went to a screening of The Men Who Stare at Goats?

A: Being a Muslim, he thought there would be more romance.

Being Prepared

The other day I cruised though a stop sign. Just my luck there was a cop at the intersection. He pulled me over. So I handed him my driver’s license, vehicle registration, insurance card, and just for good measure, my concealed carry permit.

The cop says to me, "Ok, I see your concealed carry permit. Are you packing today?"

"Yes I am."

" Well then, better tell me what you’ve got."

"Well, I’ve got a 45 cal Springfield 1911 in my belt, a 44 mag Ruger in the glove box, and a 9mm Glock under the driver’ seat."

"Okay, anything else?"

"Yeah, in the trunk, there’s an AK 47, an AR15, and a 12 gauge shotgun."

"Are you on your way to or from a gun range?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of?"

"Absolutely nothing."

How true

Politicians & diapers should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Questions (and Answers), about Canada

These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website

  1. I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
  2. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
  3. Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
  4. Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
  5. I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
  6. Sure, it’s only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
  7. Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
  8. So its true what they say about Swedes.
  9. It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
  10. Let’s not touch this one. (see Molson Video)
  11. Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
  12. What did your last slave die of?
  13. Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
  14. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
  15. Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
  16. Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
  17. Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
  18. Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
  19. Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
  20. Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. . . oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
  21. Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
  22. No, WE don’t stink.
  23. I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
  24. Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
  25. Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
  26. You are an American politician, right?
  27. Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
  28. Yes, gay nightclubs.
  29. Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
  30. Only at Thanksgiving.
  31. Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
  32. No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
  33. Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
  34. All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled and make good pets.
  35. I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
  36. It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
  37. I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? ( USA)
  38. Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
  39. Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
  40. Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

A Thanksgiving Message to All 57 States

by Sarah Palin on Thursday, November 25, 2010 at 4:35pm

My fellow Americans in all 57 states, the time has changed for come. With our country founded more than 20 centuries ago, we have much to celebrate — from the FBI’s 100 days to the reforms that bring greater inefficiencies to our health care system. We know that countries like Europe are willing to stand with us in our fight to halt the rise of privacy, and Israel is a strong friend of Israel’s. And let’s face it, everybody knows that it makes no sense that you send a kid to the emergency room for a treatable illness like asthma and they end up taking up a hospital bed. It costs, when, if you, they just gave, you gave them treatment early, and they got some treatment, and ah, a breathalyzer, or an inhalator. I mean, not a breathalyzer, ah, I don’t know what the term is in Austrian for that...

Of course, the paragraph above is based on a series of misstatements and verbal gaffes made by Barack Obama (I didn’t have enough time to do one for Joe Biden). YouTube links are provided just in case you doubt the accuracy of these all too human slips-of-the-tongue. If you can’t remember hearing about them, that’s because for the most part the media didn’t consider them newsworthy. I have no complaint about that. Everybody makes the occasional verbal gaffe — even news anchors.

Obviously, I would have been even more impressed if the media showed some consistency on this issue. Unfortunately, it seems they couldn’t resist the temptation to turn a simple one word slip-of-the-tongue of mine into a major political headline. The one word slip occurred yesterday during one of my seven back-to-back interviews wherein I was privileged to speak to the American public about the important, world-changing issues before us.

If the media had bothered to actually listen to all of my remarks on Glenn Beck’s radio show, they would have noticed that I refer to South Korea as our ally throughout, that I corrected myself seconds after my slip-of-the-tongue, and that I made it abundantly clear that pressure should be put on China to restrict energy exports to the North Korean regime. The media could even have done due diligence and checked my previous statements on the subject, which have always been consistent, and in fact even ahead of the curve. But why let the facts get in the way of a good story? (And for that matter, why not just make up stories out of thin air — like the totally false hard news story which has run for three days now reporting that I lobbied the producers of “Dancing with the Stars” to cast a former Senate candidate on their show. That lie is further clear proof that the media completely makes things up without doing even rudimentary fact-checking.)

“Hope springs eternal” as the poet says. Let’s hope that perhaps, just maybe, they might get it right next time. When we the people are effective in holding America’s free press accountable for responsible and truthful reporting, then we shall all have even more to be thankful for!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

- Sarah Palin

Ref.: http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=463364218434

How do you wink at an illegal alien?

Wink

Sounds about right

"If you are unwilling to defend even your own lives, then you are like mice trying to negotiate with owls. You regard their ways as wrong. They regard you as dinner."
-- John Farnam

Makes sense to me

You can’t stop insane people from doing insane things by passing insane laws....

Missouri Has No Illegal Aliens

May, 2010

Interesting: Missouri’s approach to the problem of illegal immigration appears to be more advanced, sophisticated, strict and effective than anything to date in Arizona. Do the loonies in San Francisco, or the White House, appreciate what Missouri has done? When are our fearless President and his dynamic Attorney General going to take action to require Missouri start accepting illegal immigrants once again?

So, why doesn’t Missouri receive attention? Answer: There are no Mexican illegals in Missouri to demonstrate. The "Show Me" state has once again showed us how it should be done. There needs to be more publicity and exposure regarding what Missouri has done. Let’s pass it around.

In 2007, Missouri placed on the ballot a proposed constitutional amendment designating English as the official language of Missouri. In November, 2008, nearly 90% voting in favor! Thus English became the official language for ALL governmental activity in Missouri. No individual has the right to demand government services in a language OTHER than English.

In 2008 a measure was passed that required the Missouri Highway Patrol and other law enforcement officials to verify the immigration status of any person arrested, and inform federal authorities if the person is found to be in Missouri illegally. Missouri law enforcement offices receive specific training with respect to enforcement of federal immigration laws.

In Missouri illegal immigrants DO NOT have access to taxpayers’ benefits such as food stamps and health care through Missouri HealthNET. In 2009 a measure was passed that ensures Missouri’s public institutions of higher education do NOT award financial aid to individuals who are illegally in the United States. In Missouri all post-secondary institutions of higher education to annually certify to the Missouri Dept. of Higher Education that they have NOT knowingly awarded financial aid to students who are unlawfully present in the United States. So while Arizona has made national news for its new law, it is important to remember Missouri has been far more proactive in addressing this horrific problem.

Missouri has made it clear that illegal immigrants are NOT welcome in the state and they will certainly NOT receive public benefits at the expense of Missouri taxpayers!

See: Missouri Ahead of the Game in Dealing with Illegal Immigrants

Taken from: "The Ozarks Sentinel" Editorial - Nita Jane Ayres, May 13, 2010

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you’re on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend’s gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn’t ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!

Joe Sobran

Died September 30, 2010

Some of his comments

"New York Destroyed by Earthquake; Women and Minorities Hit Hardest."

Joe’s quotes are much better when you’re reading his columns and a beautifully turned phrase sneaks up on you, but here are a few good ones, even in isolation:

-- On our democracy: "Your chances of meeting an IRS agent are far greater than your chances of meeting anyone you voted for."

-- On Clinton: "Once again, his defenders, furiously attacking the prosecution and equating opposition with ’conspiracy,’ don’t dare mount the best defense: ’He’s not that sort of man.’ It’s because Clinton is, supremely, ’that sort of man’ that this whole thing has happened. He’s a lying lecher, a prevaricating pervert, an utterly slimy crook, without a trace of honor or loyalty, desperately trying to save his own skin one last time."

-- On big government: "Freedom has ceased to be a birthright; it has come to mean whatever we are still permitted to do."

-- On Obama: "Nor has he said anything memorable -- not even a single aphorism over this long campaign. And the title of his book ’The Audacity of Hope’ -- what on earth does that mean? He is always hinting at a substance that is never disclosed to us. He seems to live by raising vague aspirations he never fulfills."

-- On evolution: "If our furry and scaly friends were still evolving, none of them appeared to be gaining on us."

-- On Canada banning Dr. Laura: "Canada has to protect itself against such pernicious, hate-filled American notions as the Law of Moses. If Dr. Laura wants to spew the Ten Commandments, let her do it in her own country."

Ref: http://www.humanevents.com/article.php?id=39309

Lawyers

Lawyers can’t take viagra - it just makes them taller.

Our National Debt

Obama Added More to National Debt in First 19 Months Than All Presidents from Washington Through Reagan Combined, Says Gov’t Data

In the first 19 months of the Obama administration, the federal debt held by the public increased by $2.5260 trillion, which is more than the cumulative total of the national debt held by the public that was amassed by all U.S. presidents from George Washington through Ronald Reagan.
Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Read the whole story here.

Social Security and the truth about who’s doing what

History Lesson on Your Social Security Card

Just in case some of you young whippersnappers (& some older ones) didn’t know this. It’s easy to check out, if you don’t believe it. Be sure and show it to your family and friends. They need a little history lesson on what’s what and it doesn’t matter whether you are Democrat or Republican. Facts are Facts.

Social Security Cards up until the 1980s expressly stated the number and card were not to be used for identification purposes. Since nearly everyone in the United States now has a number, it became convenient to use it anyway and the message, NOT FOR IDENTIFICATION, was removed.

Social Security Card

An old Social Security card with the "NOT FOR IDENTIFICATION" message.

Our Social Security

Franklin Roosevelt, a Democrat, introduced the Social Security (FICA) Program. He promised:

1.) That participation in the Program would be Completely voluntary,

No longer Voluntary

2.) That the participants would only have to pay 1% of the first $1,400 of their annual Incomes into the Program,

Now 7.65% on the first $90,000

3.) That the money the participants elected to put into the Program would be deductible from their income for tax purposes each year,

No longer tax deductible

4.) That the money the participants put into the independent ’Trust Fund’ rather than into the general operating fund, and therefore, would only be used to fund the Social Security Retirement Program, and no other Government program, and, under Johnson the money was moved to The General Fund and Spent.

5.) That the annuity payments to the retirees would never be taxed as income.

Under Clinton & Gore up to 85% of your Social Security can be Taxed

Since many of us have paid into FICA for years and are now receiving a Social Security check every month -- and then finding that we are getting taxed on 85% of the money we paid to the Federal government to ’put away’ -- you may be interested in the following:


Q: Which Political Party took Social Security from the independent ’Trust Fund’ and put it into the general fund so that Congress could spend it?

A: It was Lyndon Johnson and the democratically controlled House and Senate.

Q: Which Political Party eliminated the income tax deduction for Social Security (FICA) withholding?

A: The Democratic Party.

Q: Which Political Party started taxing Social Security annuities?

A: The Democratic Party, with Al Gore casting the ’tie-breaking’ deciding vote as President of the Senate, while he was Vice President of the US

AND:

Q: Which Political Party decided to start giving annuity payments to immigrants?

A: That’s right!

Jimmy Carter and the Democratic Party.

Immigrants moved into this country, and at age 65, began to receive Social Security payments! The Democratic Party gave these payments to them, even though they never paid a dime into it!

Then, after violating the original contract (FICA), the Democrats turn around and tell you that the Republicans want to take your Social Security away!

And the worst part about it is uninformed citizens believe it!

The President Without A Country

By Pat Boone

"We’re no longer a Christian nation." - President barack obama, June 2009

"America has been arrogant." - President barack obama

"After 9/11, America didn’t always live up to her ideals."- President barack obama

"You might say that America is a Muslim nation." - President barack obama, Egypt 2009

Thinking about these and other statements made by the man who wears the title of president. I keep wondering what country he believes he’s president of.

In one of my very favorite stories, Edward Everett Hale’s "The Man without a Country," a young Army lieutenant named Philip Nolan stands condemned for treason during the Revolutionary War, having come under the influence of Aaron Burr. When the judge asks him if he wishes to say anything before sentence is passed, young Nolan defiantly exclaims, "Damn the United States ! I wish I might never hear of the United States again!"

The stunned silence in the courtroom is palpable, pulsing. After a long pause, the judge soberly says to the angry lieutenant: "You have just pronounced your own sentence. You will never hear of the United States again. I sentence you to spend the rest of your life at sea, on one or another of this country’s naval vessels - under strict orders that no one will ever speak to you again about the country you have just cursed."

And so it was. Philip Nolan was taken away and spent the next 40 years at sea, never hearing anything but an occasional slip of the tongue about America. The last few pages of the story, recounting Nolan’s dying hours in his small stateroom - now turned into a shrine to the country he fore swore - never fail to bring me to tears. And I find my own love for this dream, this miracle called America , refreshed and renewed. I know how blessed and unique we are.

But reading and hearing the audacious, shocking statements of the man who was recently elected our president - a young black man living the impossible dream of millions of young Americans, past and present, black and white - I want to ask him, "Just what country do you think you’re president of?"

You surely can’t be referring to the United States of America, can you? America is emphatically a Christian nation, and has been from its inception! Seventy percent of her citizens identify themselves as Christian. The Declaration of Independence and our Constitution were framed, written and ratified by Christians. It’s because this was, and is, a nation built on and guided by Judeo-Christian biblical principles that you, sir, have had the inestimable privilege of being elected her president.

You studied law at Harvard, didn’t you, sir? You taught constitutional law in Chicago ? Did you not ever read the statement of John Jay, the first Chief Justice of the Supreme Court and an author of the landmark "Federalist Papers": " Providence has given to our people the choice of their rulers - and it is the duty, as well as the privilege and interest of our Christian nation - to select and prefer Christians for their rulers"?

In your studies, you surely must have read the decision of the Supreme Court in 1892: "Our lives and our institutions must necessarily be based upon and embody the teachings of the Redeemer of mankind. It is impossible that it should be otherwise; and in this sense and to this extent our civilization and our institutions are emphatically Christian."

Did your professors have you skip over all the high-court decisions right up till the mid 1900’s that echoed and reinforced these views and intentions? Did you pick up the history of American jurisprudence only in 1947, when for the first time a phrase coined by Thomas Jefferson about a "wall of separation between church and state" was used to deny some specific religious expression - contrary to Jefferson’s intent with that statement?

Or, wait a minute . were your ideas about America ’s Christianity formed during the 20 years you were a member of the Trinity United Church of Christ under your pastor, Jeremiah Wright? Is that where you got the idea that " America is no longer a Christian nation"? Is this where you, even as you came to call yourself a Christian, formed the belief that " America has been arrogant"?

Even if that’s the understandable explanation of your damning of your country and accusing the whole nation (not just a few military officials trying their best to keep more Americans from being murdered by jihadists) of "not always living up to her ideals," how did you come up with the ridiculous, alarming notion that we might be "considered a Muslim nation"?

Is it because there are some 2 million or more Muslims living here, trying to be good Americans? Out of a current population of over 300 million, 70 percent of whom are Christians? Does that make us, by any rational definition, a "Muslim nation"?

Why are we not, then, a "Chinese nation"? A "Korean nation"? Even a "Vietnamese nation"? There are even more of these distinct groups in America than Muslims. And if the distinction you’re trying to make is a religious one, why is America not "a Jewish nation"? There’s actually a case to be made for the latter, because our Constitution - and the success of our Revolution and founding - owe a deep debt to our Jewish brothers.

Have you stopped to think what an actual Muslim America would be like? Have you ever really spent much time in Iran ? Even in Egypt ? You, having been instructed in Islam as a kid at a Muslim school in Indonesia and saying you still love the call to evening prayers, can surely picture our nation founded on the Quran, not the Judeo-Christian Bible, and living under Shariah law. Can’t you? You do recall Muhammad’s directives [Surah 9:5,73] to "break the cross" and "kill the infidel"?

It seems increasingly and painfully obvious that you are more influenced by your upbringing and questionable education than most suspected.. If you consider yourself the president of a people who are "no longer Christian," who have "failed to live up to our ideals," who "have been arrogant," and might even be "considered Muslim" - you are president of a country most Americans don’t recognize.

Could it be you are a president without a country?

Mark Twain

"Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself." - Mark Twain"

Immigrants

Immigrants are like sperm, millions get in, but only one works.

How the United States Government is conducting business today (2010)

It’s a slow day in little Tensleep, Wyoming. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.....

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer’s Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.

Congressional Reform Act of 2010

1. Term Limits: 12 years only, one of the possible options below.

A. Two Six year Senate terms
B. Six Two year House terms
C. One Six year Senate term and three Two Year House terms

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

2. No Tenure / No Pension:

A congressman collects a salary while in office and receives no pay when they are out of office.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

3. Congress (past, present & future) participates in Social Security:

All funds in the Congressional retirement fund moves to the Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into the Social Security system, Congress participates with the American people.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, server your term(s), then go home and back to work.

4. Congress can purchase their own retirement plan just as all Americans.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

5. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise. Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

6. Congress looses their current health care system and participates in the same health care system as the American people.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

7. Congress must equally abide in all laws they impose on the American people.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

8. All contracts with past and present congressmen are void effective 1/1/11.

The American people did not make this contract with congressmen, congressmen made all these contracts for themselves.

Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

Abraham Lincoln Quotes

  • Congressmen who willfully take actions during wartime that damage morale, and undermine the military are saboteurs and should be arrested, exiled or hanged. (Now they’re elected President)
  • To stand in silence when they should be protesting makes cowards out of men. (Too bad the press tears down anyone who opposes them.)
  • America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves. (And only a fool can’t see that that is exactly what’s happening with Obama)
  • Don’t interfere with anything in the Constitution. That must be maintained, for it is the only safeguard of our liberties. (Now, Supreme Court Justices are expected to re-interpret the "living" Constitution.)
  • I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts. (Unfortunately, the press no longer prints the truth, but only what they want you to hear, and from their point of view, and there are way too many people who are willing to believe everything the paper prints)

See more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/a/abraham_lincoln.html

It used to read...

The bumper sticker used to read,
"What part of Europe are you from? The part who’s asses we saved, or the part who’s asses we kicked?"

Now, thanks to Obama, it reads,
"What part of Europe are you from? The part who’s asses we saved, the part who’s asses we kicked, or the part who’s asses we kissed?"

Crabby Old Man

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North Platte , Nebraska , it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Missouri.

The old man’s sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this ’anonymous’ poem winging across the Internet.

What do you see nurses? . . . .. . What do you see?
What are you thinking . . . . . When you’re looking at me?
A crabby old man . . . . . Not very wise,
Uncertain of habit . . . . . With faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food . . . . . And makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . . . . . ’I do wish you’d try!’
Who seems not to notice . . . . . The things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not . . . . . Lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . . . The long day to fill?
Is that what you’re thinking? . . . . . Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . You’re not looking at me.

I’ll tell you who I am. . . . . . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . . . As I eat at your will.
I’m a small child of Ten . . . . . With a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters . . . . . Who love one another.

A young boy of Sixteen . . . . With wings on his feet.
Dreaming that soon now . . . . . A lover he’ll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . . . My heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows . . . . . That I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . . . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . . . . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons . . . . . Have grown and are gone,
But my woman’s beside me . . . . . To see I don’t mourn.
At Fifty, once more, babies play ’round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future . . . . . Shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . . . . . Young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . . . And the love that I’ve known.

I’m now an old man . . . . . And nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age . . . .. . Look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles . . . . . Grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone . .. . . Where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . . . . A young guy still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . My battered heart swells.
I remember the joys . . . . . I remember the pain.
And I’m loving and living . . . . . Life over again.

I think of the years, all too few . . . . . Gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . . That nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . . . Open and see.
Not a crabby old man . . . Look closer . . . See ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.

JEWS AND MUSLIMS

Differences between Jews and Muslims

The Global Islamic population is approximately 1,200,000,000

ONE BILLION TWO HUNDRED MILLION or 20% of the world’s population.

They have received the following Nobel Prizes:

Literature:

1988 - Najib Mahfooz
Peace:
1978 - Mohamed Anwar El-Sadat
1990 - Elias James Corey
1994 - Yaser Arafat
1999 - Ahmed Zewai
Economics:
(zero)
Physics:
(zero)
Medicine:
1960 - Peter Brian Medawar
1998 - Ferid Mourad

TOTAL: 7 SEVEN


The Global Jewish population is approximately 14,000,000

Only FOURTEEN MILLION or about 0.02% of the world’s population.

They have received the following Nobel Prizes:

Literature:
1910 - Paul Heyse
1927 - Henri Bergson
1958 - Boris Pasternak
1966 - Shmuel Yosef Agnon
1966 - Nelly Sachs
1976 - Saul Bellow
1978 - Isaac Bashevis Singer
1981 - Elias Canetti
1987 - Joseph Brodsky
1991 - Nadine Gordimer World
Peace:
1911 - Alfred Fried
1911 - Tobias Michael Carel Asser
1968 - Rene Cassin
1973 - Henry Kissinger
1978 - Menachem Begin
1986 - Elie Wiesel
1994 - Shimon Peres
1994 - Yitzhak Rabin
Physics:
1905 - Adolph Von Baeyer
1906 - Henri Moissan
1907 - Albert Abraham Michelson
1908 - Gabriel Lippmann
1910 - Otto Wallach
1915 - Richard Willstaetter
1918 - Fritz Haber
1921 - Albert Einstein
1922 - Niels Bohr
1925 - James Franck
1925 - Gustav Hertz
1943 - Gustav Stern
1943 - George Charles de Hevesy
1944 - Isidor Issac Rabi
1952 - Felix Bloch
1954 - Max Born
1958 - Igor Tamm
1959 - Emilio Segre
1960 - Donald A. Glaser
1961 - Robert Hofstadter
1961 - Melvin Calvin
1962 - Lev Davidovich Landau
1962 - Max Ferdinand Perutz
1965 - Richard Phillips Feynman
1965 - Julian Schwinger
1969 - Murray Gell-Mann
1971 - Dennis Gabor
1972 - William Howard Stein
1973 - Brian David Josephson
1975 - Benjamin Mottleson
1976 - Burton Richter
1977 - Ilya Prigogine
1978 - Arno Allan Penzias
1978 - P eter L Kapitza
1979 - Stephen Weinberg
1979 - Sheldon Glashow
1979 - Herbert Charles Brown
1980 - Paul Berg
1980 - Walter Gilbert
1981 - Roald Hoffmann
1982 - Aaron Klug
1985 - Albert A. Hauptman
1985 - Jerome Karle
1986 - Dudley R. Herschbach
1988 - Robert Huber
1988 - Leon Lederman
1988 - Melvin Schwartz
1988 - Jack Steinberger
1989 - Sidney Altman
1990 - Jerome Friedman
1992 - Rudolph Marcus
1995 - Martin Perl
2000 - Alan J. Heeger
Economics:
1970 - Paul Anthony Samuelson
1971 - Simon Kuznets
1972 - Kenneth Joseph Arrow
1975 - Leonid Kantorovich
1976 - Milton Friedman
1978 - Herbert A. Simon
1980 - Lawrence Robert Klein
1985 - Franco Modigliani
1987 - Robert M. Solow
1990 - Harry Markowitz
1990 - Merton Miller
1992 - Gary Becker
1993 - Robert Fogel
Medicine:
1908 - Elie Metchnikoff
1908 - Paul Erlich
1914 - Robert Barany
1922 - Otto Meyerhof
1930 - Karl Landsteiner
1931 - Otto Warburg
1936 - Otto Loewi
1944 - Joseph Erlanger
1944 - Herb ert Spencer Gasser
1945 - Ernst Boris Chain
1946 - Hermann Joseph Muller
1950 - Tadeus Reichstein
1952 - Selman Abraham Waksman
1953 - Hans Krebs
1953 - Fritz Albert Lipmann
1958 - Joshua Lederberg
1959 - Arthur Kornberg
1964 - Konrad Bloch
1965 - Francois Jacob
1965 - Andre Lwoff
1967 - George Wald
1968 - Marshall W. Nirenberg
1969 - Salvador Luria
1970 - Julius Axelrod
1970 - Sir Bernard Katz
1972 - Gerald Maurice Edelman
1975 - Howard Martin Temin
1976 - Baruch S. Blumberg
1977 - Roselyn Sussman Yalow
1978 - Daniel Nathans
1980 - Baruj Benacerraf
1984 - Cesar Milstein
1985 - Michael Stuart Brown
1985 - Joseph L. Goldstein
1986 - Stanley Cohen [& Rita Levi-Montalcini]
1988 - Gertrude Elion
1989 - Harold Varmus
1991 - Erwin Neher
1991 - Bert Sakmann
1993 - Richard J. Roberts
1993 - Phillip Sharp
1994 - Alfred Gilman
1995 - Edward B. Lewis

TOTAL: 129 ONE HUNDRED TWENTY NINE!

The Jews are NOT promoting brain washing children in military training camps, teaching them how to blow themselves up and cause maximum deaths of Jews and other non Muslims!

The Jews don’t hijack planes, nor kill athletes at the Olympics, or blow themselves up in German restaurants. There is NOT one single Jew that has destroyed a church. There is NOT a single Jew that protests by killing people.

The Jews don’t traffic slaves, nor have leaders calling for Jihad and death to all the Infidels.

Perhaps the world’s Muslims should consider investing more in standard education and less in blaming the Jews for all their problems.

Muslims must ask ’what can they do for humankind’ before they demand that humankind respects them!!

Regardless of your feelings about the crisis between Israel and the Palestinians and Arab neighbors, even if you believe there is more culpability on Israel ’s part, the following two sentences really say it all:

’If the Arabs put down their weapons today, there would be no more violence.
If the Jews put down their weapons today, there would be no more Israel’. -Benjamin Netanyahu

The Ten Commandments According to Obama

I. Thou shalt have no God in America, except for me. For we are no longer a Christian nation and, after all, I am the chosen One. (And like God, I do not have a birth certificate.) SOURCE

II. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, unless it is my face carved on Mt. Rushmore. SOURCE

III. Thou shalt not utter my middle name in vain (or in public). Only I can say Barack Hussein Obama. SOURCE

IV. Remember tax day, April 15th, to keep it holy. SOURCE

V. Honour thy father and thy mother until they are too old and sick to care for. They will cost our public-funded health-care system too much money. SOURCE

VI. Thou shalt not kill, unless you have an unwanted, unborn baby. For it would be an abomination to punish your daughter with a baby. SOURCE

VII. Thou shalt not commit adultery if you are conservative or a Republican. Liberals and Democrats are hereby forgiven for all of their infidelity and immorality, but the careers of conservatives will be forever destroyed. SOURCE

VIII. Thou shalt not steal, until you’ve been elected to public office. Only then is it acceptable to take money from hard-working, successful citizens and give it to those who do not work, illegal immigrants, or those who do not have the motivation to better their own lives. SOURCE

IX. Thou shalt not discriminate against thy neighbor unless they are conservative, Caucasian, or Christian. SOURCE

X. Thou shalt not covet because it is simply unnecessary. I will place such a heavy tax burden on those that have achieved the American Dream that, by the end of my term as President, nobody will have any wealth or material goods left for you to covet. SOURCE

Engineers’ Conversion Table

This is pretty heavy scientific stuff.....converting units:

  • Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
  • 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
  • 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
  • Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
  • Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
  • Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
  • 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
  • Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
  • 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
  • Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
  • Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
  • 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
  • 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
  • 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
  • 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
  • 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
  • 52 cards = 1 decacards
  • 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
  • 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
  • 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
  • 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
  • 10 rations = 1 decoration
  • 100 rations = 1 C-ration
  • 2 monograms = 1 diagram
  • 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
  • 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
  • 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

I’m Tired

I’m 63. Except for one semester in college when jobs were scarce and a six-month period when I was between jobs, but job-hunting every day, I’ve worked, hard, since I was 18. Despite some health challenges, I still put in 50-hour weeks, and haven’t called in sick in seven or eight years. I make a good salary, but I didn’t inherit my job or my income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, there’s no retirement in sight, and I’m tired. Very tired.

I’m tired of being told that I have to "spread the wealth" to people who don’t have my work ethic. I’m tired of being told the government will take the money I earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too lazy to earn it.

I’m tired of being told that I have to pay more taxes to "keep people in their homes." Sure, if they lost their jobs or got sick, I’m willing to help. But if they bought McMansions at three times the price of our paid-off, $250,000 condo, on one-third of my salary, then let the left-wing Congress-critters who passed Fannie and Freddie and the Community Reinvestment Act that created the bubble help them with their own money.

I’m tired of being told how bad America is by left-wing millionaires like Michael Moore, George Soros and Hollywood Entertainers who live in luxury because of the opportunities America offers. In thirty years, if they get their way, the United States will have the economy of Zimbabwe , the freedom of the press of China , the crime and violence of Mexico , the tolerance for Christian people of Iran , and the freedom of speech of Venezuela .

I’m tired of being told that Islam is a "Religion of Peace," when every day I can read dozens of stories of Muslim men killing their sisters, wives and daughters for their family "honor"; of Muslims rioting over some slight offense; of Muslims murdering Christian and Jews because they aren’t "believers"; of Muslims burning schools for girls; of Muslims stoning teenage rape victims to death for "adultery"; of Muslims mutilating the genitals of little girls; all in the name of Allah, because the Qur’an and Shari’a law tells them to.

I’m tired of being told that "race doesn’t matter" in the post-racial world of Obama, when it’s all that matters in affirmative action jobs, lower college admission and graduation standards for minorities (harming them the most), government contract set-asides, tolerance for the ghetto culture of violence and fatherless children that hurts minorities more than anyone, and in the appointment of U . S . Senators from Illinois.

I think it’s very cool that we have a black president and that a black child is doing her homework at the desk where Lincoln wrote the Emancipation Proclamation. I just wish the black president was Condi Rice, or someone who believes more in freedom and the individual and less arrogantly of an all-knowing government.

I’m tired of a news media that thinks Bush’s fundraising and inaugural expenses were obscene, but that think Obama’s, at triple the cost, were wonderful; that thinks Bush exercising daily was a waste of presidential time, but Obama exercising is a great example for the public to control weight and stress; that picked over every line of Bush’s military records, but never demanded that Kerry release his; that slammed Palin, with two years as governor, for being too inexperienced for VP, but touted Obama with three years as senator as potentially the best president ever. Wonder why people are dropping their subscriptions or switching to Fox News? Get a clue. I didn’t vote for Bush in 2000, but the media and Kerry drove me to his camp in 2004.

I’m tired of being told that out of "tolerance for other cultures" we must let Saudi Arabia use our oil money to fund mosques and madrassa Islamic schools to preach hate in America , while no American group is allowed to fund a church, synagogue or religious school in Saudi Arabia to teach love and tolerance.

I’m tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight global warming, which no one is allowed to debate. My wife and I live in a two-bedroom apartment and carpool together five miles to our jobs. We also own a three-bedroom condo where our daughter and granddaughter live. Our carbon footprint is about 5% of Al Gore’s, and if you’re greener than Gore, you’re green enough.

I’m tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I must help support and treat them, and pay for the damage they do. Did a giant germ rush out of a dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up their noses while they tried to fight it off? I don’t think Gay people choose to be Gay, but I darn sure think druggies chose to take drugs. And I’m tired of harassment from cool people treating me like a freak when I tell them I never tried marijuana.

I’m tired of illegal aliens being called "undocumented workers," especially the ones who aren’t working, but are living on welfare or crime. What’s next? Calling drug dealers, "Undocumented Pharmacists"? And, no, I’m not against Hispanics. Most of them are Catholic, and it’s been a few hundred years since Catholics wanted to kill me for my religion. I’m willing to fast track for citizenship any Hispanic person, who can speak English, doesn’t have a criminal record and who is self-supporting without family on welfare, or who serves honorably for three years in our military.... Those are the citizens we need.

I’m tired of latte liberals and journalists, who would never wear the uniform of the Republic themselves, or let their entitlement-handicapped kids near a recruiting station, trashing our military. They and their kids can sit at home, never having to make split-second decisions under life and death circumstances, and bad mouth better people than themselves. Do bad things happen in war? You bet. Do our troops sometimes misbehave? Sure. Does this compare with the atrocities that were the policy of our enemies for the last fifty years and still are? Not even close. So here’s the deal. I’ll let myself be subjected to all the humiliation and abuse that was heaped on terrorists at Abu Ghraib or Gitmo, and the critics can let themselves be subject to captivity by the Muslims, who tortured and beheaded Daniel Pearl in Pakistan, or the Muslims who tortured and murdered Marine Lt. Col. William Higgins in Lebanon, or the Muslims who ran the blood-spattered Al Qaeda torture rooms our troops found in Iraq, or the Muslims who cut off the heads of schoolgirls in Indonesia, because the girls were Christian. Then we’ll compare notes. British and American soldiers are the only troops in history that civilians came to for help and handouts, instead of hiding from in fear.

I’m tired of people telling me that their party has a corner on virtue and the other party has a corner on corruption. Read the papers; bums are bipartisan. And I’m tired of people telling me we need bipartisanship. I live in Illinois , where the "Illinois Combine" of Democrats has worked to loot the public for years. Not to mention the tax cheats in Obama’s cabinet.

I’m tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and politicians of both parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting caught. I’m tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor.

Speaking of poor, I’m tired of hearing people with air-conditioned homes, color TVs and two cars called poor. The majority of Americans didn’t have that in 1970, but we didn’t know we were "poor." The poverty pimps have to keep changing the definition of poor to keep the dollars flowing.

I’m real tired of people who don’t take responsibility for their lives and actions. I’m tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination or big-whatever for their problems.

Yes, I’m darn tired. But I’m also glad to be 63. Because, mostly, I’m not going to have to see the world these people are making. I’m just sorry for my granddaughter.

Robert A. Hall is a Marine Vietnam veteran who served five terms in the Massachusetts State Senate.

Amazing!

I think it is remarkable that within a week of Tiger Woods crashing his escalade, the press found every woman with whom Tiger has had an affair in the last few years, with photos, text messages, recorded phone calls, etc.

And, they not only know the cause of the family fight, but they even know it was a wedge from his golf bag that his wife used to break out the windows in the escalade. Not only that, they know which wedge!

And each and ever day, they give America more updates on his sex-rehab stay, his wife’s plans for divorce, and his plans for the pro golf circuit.

Obama has been in office for over 18 months now, and this same press still cannot locate Obama’s official birth certificate, or any of his papers while in college, or how he paid for a harvard education, or which country issued his visa to travel to pakistan in the 1980’s as Barry Soretoro and even Michelle Obama’s princeton thesis on racism.

They just can’t be found?

Yet the public still trusts that same press to give them the whole truth . . .

Truly remarkable!

Thomas Jefferson Quotes

The beauty of the second amendment is that it will not be needed until they try to take it.

One loves to possess arms, though they hope never to have occasion for them.

None but an armed nation can dispense with a standing army. To keep ours armed and disciplined is therefore at all times important.

Never spend your money before you have earned it.

Leave no authority existing not responsible to the people.

It is our duty still to endeavor to avoid war; but if it shall actually take place, no matter by whom brought on, we must defend ourselves. If our house be on fire, without inquiring whether it was fired from within or without, we must try to extinguish it.

The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.

I own that I am not a friend to a very energetic government. It is always oppressive.

The constitutions of most of our States assert that all power is inherent in the people; that... it is their right and duty to be at all times armed.

Every government degenerates when trusted to the rulers of the people alone. The people themselves are its only safe depositories.

Experience hath shewn, that even under the best forms of government those entrusted with power have, in time, and by slow operations, perverted it into tyranny.

I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a month, and I feel myself infinitely the happier for it.

For a people who are free, and who mean to remain so, a well-organized and armed militia is their best security.

It is error alone which needs the support of government. Truth can stand by itself.

In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.

If the present Congress errs in too much talking, how can it be otherwise in a body to which the people send one hundred and fifty lawyers, whose trade it is to question everything, yield nothing, and talk by the hour?

If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be.

I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than those attending too small a degree of it.

To compel a man to furnish funds for the propagation of ideas he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.

When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe.

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.

It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world.

I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.

My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government.

No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government.

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.

To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.

A Bill of Rights is what the people are entitled to against every government, and what no just government should refuse, or rest on inference.

A strong body makes the mind strong. As to the species of exercises, I advise the gun. While this gives moderate exercise to the body, it gives boldness, enterprise and independence to the mind. Games played with the ball, and others of that nature, are too violent for the body and stamp no character on the mind. Let your gun therefore be your constant companion of your walks.

Commerce with all nations, alliance with none, should be our motto.

Thomas Jefferson said in 1802:
’I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property - until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.’

Ain’t it the truth?

If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one. If a liberal doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t` eat meat. If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy. If a liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life. If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a person of color is conservative, they see themselves as independently successful. Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels. Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church. A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it’s a foreign religion, of course!)

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it. A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed. If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he’s in labor and then sues.

Obama to America -- I Win, You Lose

With his health care holy war, President Obama is sending America at least 10 messages since taking office:

  1. I win; you lose.
  2. My will; not the will of the people.
  3. government of Obama, by Obama, for Obama; not government of the people, by the people, for the people.
  4. Corrupt House rules and autocracy; not play by the rules and democracy.
  5. "I’ll tread on you" now steps on "Don’t tread on me."
  6. "I, the president" not "We, the People."
  7. "All men are created equal" but I am more equal than others.
  8. "The dissent of the president" overrules "the consent of the governed."
  9. "Give me tyranny and give me debt" replaces "Give me liberty or give me death."
  10. "That government is best which governs most" supersedes "That government is best which governs least."

Respecting your Neighbor

RECENT VIRGINIA CHURCH SERVICE-STIMULUS SERMON

Good morning, brothers and sisters; it’s always a delight to see the pews crowded on Sunday morning, and so eager to get into God’s Word. Turn with me in your Bibles, if you will to the 47th chapter of Genesis, we’ll begin our reading at verse 13, and go through verse 27.

Brother Ray, would you stand and read that great passage for us? ....(reading)...

Thank you for that fine reading, Brother Ray...

So we see that economic hard times fell upon Egypt , and the people turned to the government of Pharaoh to deal with this for them. And Pharaoh nationalized the grain harvest, and placed the grain in great storehouses that he had built. So the people brought their money to Pharaoh, like a great tax increase, and gave it all to him willingly in return for grain. And this went on until their money ran out, and they were hungry again. So when they went to Pharaoh after that, they brought their livestock -their cattle, their horses, their sheep, and their donkey - to barter for grain, and verse 17 says that only took them through the end of that year..

But the famine wasn’t over, was it? So the next year, the people came before Pharaoh and admitted they had nothing left, except their land and their own lives. "There is nothing left in the sight of my lord but our bodies and our land. Why should we die before your eyes, both we and our land? Buy us and our land for food, and we with our land will be servants to Pharaoh.."

So they surrendered their homes, their land, and their real estate to Pharaoh’s government, and then sold themselves into slavery to him, in return for grain. What can we learn from this, brothers and sisters? That turning to the government instead of to God to be our provider in hard times only leads to slavery? Yes.. That the only reason government wants to be our provider is to also become our master? Yes.

But look how that passage ends, brothers and sisters! Thus Israel settled in the land of Egypt , in the land of Goshen .. And they gained possessions in it, and were fruitful and multiplied greatly." God provided for His people, just as He always has! They didn’t end up giving all their possessions to government, no, it says they gained possessions! But I also tell you a great truth today, and an ominous one. We see the same thing happening today - the government today wants to "share the wealth "once again, to take it from us and redistribute it back to us. It wants to take control of health care, just as it has taken control of education, and ration it back to us, and when government rations it, then government decides who gets it, and how much, and what kind. And if we go along with it, and do it willingly, then we will wind up no differently than the people of Egypt did four thousand years ago - as slaves to the government, and as slaves to our leaders.

What Mr. Obama’s government is doing now is no different from what Pharaoh’s government did then, and it will end the same. And a lot of people like to call Mr.. Obama a "Messiah," don’t they? Is he a Messiah? A savior? Didn’t the Egyptians say, after Pharaoh made them his slaves,

"You have saved our lives; may it please my lord, we will be servants to Pharaoh"?

Well, I tell you this - I know the Messiah; the Messiah is a friend of mine; and Mr. Obama is no Messiah! No, brothers and sisters, if Mr. Obama is a character from the Bible, then he is Pharaoh.

Bow with me in prayer, if you will.

Lord, You alone are worthy to be served, and we rely on You, and You alone. We confess that the government is not our deliverer, and never rightly will be. We read in the eighth chapter of 1 Samuel, when Samuel warned the people of what a ruler would do, where it says "And in that day you will cry out because of your king, whom you have chosen for yourselves, but the LORD will not answer you in that day." And Lord, we acknowledge that day has come. We cry out to you because of the ruler that we have chosen for ourselves as a nation. Lord, we pray for this nation.. We pray for revival, and we pray for deliverance from those who would be our masters. Give us hearts to seek You and hands to serve You, and protect Your people from the atrocities of Pharaoh’s government.

In God We Trust...

And now for something completely different...

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. ’I’m too young to die,’ she wails. Then she yells, ’Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?’

For a moment there is silence.. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Montana stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.

One button at a time........

No one moves...................

He removes his shirt.................

Muscles ripple across his chest...........

She gasps.................... He whispers................. ’Iron this...then get me a beer.

To the AARP

This was sent to Mr. Rand who is the Executive Director of AARP.

Dear Mr. Rand,

Recently you sent us a letter encouraging us to renew our lapsed membership in AARP by the requested date. I know it is not what you were looking for, but this is the most honest response I can give you. Our gap in coverage is merely a microscopic symptom of the real problem, a deepening lack of faith.

While we have proudly maintained our membership for several years and have long admired the AARP goals and principles, regrettably, we can no longer endorse it’s abdication of our values. Your letter specifically stated that we can count on AARP to speak up for our rights, yet the voice we hear is not ours. Your offer of being kept up to date on important issues through DIVIDED WE FAIL presents neither an impartial view nor the one we have come to embrace. We do believe that when two parties agree all the time on everything presented to them, one is probably not necessary. But, when the opinions and long term goals are diametrically opposed, the divorce is imminent. This is the philosophy which spawned our 200 years of government.

Once upon a time, we looked forward to being part of the senior demographic. We also looked to AARP to provide certain benefits and give our voice a power we could not possibly hope to achieve on our own. AARP gave us a sense of belonging which we no longer enjoy. The Socialist politics practiced by the Obama administration and empowered by AARP serves only to raise the blood pressure my medical insurance strives to contain. Clearly a conflict of interest there!

We do not understand the AARP posture, feel greatly betrayed by the guiding forces that we expected to map out our senior years and leave your ranks with a great sense of regret. We mitigate that disappointment with the relief of knowing that we are not contributing to the problem anymore by renewing our membership. There are numerous other organizations which offer discounts without threatening our way of life or offending our sensibilities.

This Presidential Administration scares the living daylights out of us. Not just for ourselves, but for our proud and bloodstained heritage. But even more importantly for our children and grandchildren. Washington has rendered Soylent Green a prophetic cautionary tale rather than a nonfiction scare tactic. I have never in my life endorsed any militant or radical groups, yet now I find myself listening to them. I don’t have to agree with them to appreciate the fear which birthed their existence. Their borderline insanity presents little more than a balance to the voice of the Socialist mindset in power. Perhaps I became American by a great stroke of luck in some cosmic uterine lottery, but in my adulthood I CHOOSE to embrace it and nurture the freedoms it represents as well as the responsibilities it requires.

Your web site generously offers us the opportunity to receive all communication in Spanish. ARE YOU KIDDING??? Someone has broken into our ’house’, invaded our home without our invitation or consent. The President has insisted we keep the perpetrator in comfort and learn the perp language so we can communicate our reluctant welcome to them.

I DON’T choose to welcome them.

I DON’T choose to support them.

I DON’T choose to educate them.

I DON’T choose to medicate them, pay for their food or clothing.

American home invaders get arrested.

Please explain to me why foreign lawbreakers can enjoy privileges on American soil that Americans do not get?

Why do some immigrants have to play the game to be welcomed and others only have to break & enter to be welcomed?

We travel for a living. Walt hauls horses all over this great country, averaging over 10,000 miles a month when he is out there. He meets more people than a politician on caffeine overdose. Of all the many good folks he enjoyed on this last 10,000 miles, this trip yielded only ONE supporter of the current administration. One of us is out of touch with mainstream America . Since our poll is conducted without funding, I have more faith in it than one which is power driven.

We have decided to forward this to everyone on our mailing list, and will encourage them to do the same. With several hundred in my address book, I have every faith that the eventual exponential factor will make a credible statement to you.

I am disappointed as hell.

I am scared as hell.

I am MAD as hell, and I’m NOT gonna take it anymore!

Walt & Cyndy
Miller Farms Equine Transport

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

  1. They live here. You don’t.
  2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why they call it ’fur’-niture.
  3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
  4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don’t speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

  1. eat less,
  2. don’t ask for money all the time,
  3. are easier to train,
  4. normally come when called,
  5. never ask to drive the car,
  6. don’t hang out with drug-using people;
  7. don’t smoke or drink,
  8. don’t want to wear your clothes,
  9. don’t have to buy the latest fashions,
  10. don’t need a gazillion dollars for college and
  11. if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Bumper Stickers Seen On Military Bases

  • "Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything."
  • "U.S. Marines - Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club."
  • "Water-boarding is out so kill them all!"
  • "Interrogators can’t water-board dead guys"
  • "U.S. Marines - Travel Agents To Allah"
  • "When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine"
  • "The Marine Corps - When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"
  • "Death Smiles At Everyone - Marines Smile Back"
  • "Marine Sniper - You can run, but you’ll just die tired!"
  • "What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil"
  • "Marines - Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"
  • "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"
  • "Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon"
  • "It’s God’s Job to Forgive Bin Laden - It’s Our Job To Arrange The Meeting"
  • "Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl"
  • "One Shot, Twelve Kills - U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support"
  • "My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College"
  • "Machine Gunners - Accuracy By Volume"
  • "A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy - Blessed Be The Peacemakers"
  • "If You Can Read This, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran"
  • "Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But the Marines don’t have that problem."

Flying on Obama’s private plane.

Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, ’You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.

Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, ’I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy..

Michelle added, ’That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy..

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, ’Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy.’

If you’re one of those 56 million, pass this on.

Congressional Reform Act of 2010

  1. Term Limits: 12 years only, one of the possible options below.
    1. Two Six year Senate terms
    2. Six Two year House terms
    3. One Six year Senate term and three Two Year House terms

    Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

  2. No Tenure / No Pension:

    A congressman collects a salary while in office and receives no pay when out of office.

    Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

  3. Congress (past, present, and future) participates in Social Security:

    All funds in the Congressional retirement fund move to the Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into the Social Security system, Congress participates with the American people.

    Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, server your term(s), then go home and back to work.

  4. Congressional members can purchase their own retirement plan just as all Americans.

    Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

  5. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise. Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.

    Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

  6. Congressional members lose their current health care system and participate in the same health care system as the American people.

    Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

  7. Congress must equally abide in all laws they impose on the American people.

    Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

  8. All contracts with past and present congressmen are void effective 1/1/11.

    The American people did not make this contract with congressmen, congressmen made all these contracts for themselves.

    Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.

The "Cash for Clunkers" Program

QUESTION:
What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?

ANSWER:
It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.

But do you want to know what’s really sad, according to Edmunds, each car purchased under Obama’s Cash for Clunkers program cost the American taxpayer, $24,000! That’s no joke, but a fact.

Three men...

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

’I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total’, says the Genie.

The Canadian says, ’I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ’

POOF! With the blink of the Genie’s eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, ’I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.’

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie’s eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, ’I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.’

The Genie explains, ’Well, it’s about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out, it’s virtually impenetrable.’

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says, ’Fill it with water.’

It’s all in the Sign

Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different areas of Austin , Texas .

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.

Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has lots of cash to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos’ sign reads:

I have no work,
a wife and six kids to support.

"What’s wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"

Carlos says, "Alright, so what does your sign say?"

Jose’s sign reads:

I only need ten dollars
to get back to Mexico.

AN ACTUAL CRAIG’S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the blackBurberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head... isn’t it?!

I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, — on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what ’s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

P.S. Remember this motto... An armed society makes for a more civil society!

BLIND COWBOY

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, considering that you are blind, that you should know five things:

  1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
  2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
  3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
  4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
  5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

"No...not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

Yes, I know Muslims won’t be in heaven, still...

Abu al-Zarqawi died and George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Al- Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

Shooting advice

Words Of Wisdom

Clint Smith, Director of Thunder Ranch, is part drill instructor, and part standup comic (Thunder Ranch is a firearms training facility in Arizona ).

Here are a few of his observation on tactics, firearms, self defense and life as we know it in the civilized world.

"The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always win and cheat if necessary."

"Don’t forget, incoming fire has the right of way.."

"Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets. You may get killed with your own gun, but he’ll have to beat you to death with it, cause it’s going to be empty."

"If you’re not shootin’, you should be loadin’. If you’re not loadin’, you should be movin’, if you’re not movin’, someone’s gonna cut your head off and put it on a stick."

"When you reload in low light encounters, don’t put your flashlight in your back pocket.. If you light yourself up, you’ll look like an angel or the tooth fairy... and you’re gonna be one of ’em pretty soon."

"Do something. It may be wrong, but do something."

"Shoot what’s available, as long as it’s available, until something else becomes available."

"If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid. That’s ridiculous. If you have a gun, what in the hell do you have to be paranoid for."

"Don’t shoot fast, unless you also shoot good.."

"You can say ’stop’ or ’alto’ or use any other word you think will work, but I’ve found that a large bore muzzle pointed at someone’s head is pretty much the universal language."

"You have the rest of your life to solve your problems. How long you live depends on how well you do it."

"You cannot save the planet but you may be able to save yourself and your family."

"Thunder Ranch will be here as long as you’ll have us or until someone makes us go away, and either way, it will be exciting.."

More Excellent Gun Wisdom.......

The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense. The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.

  1. Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.
  2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, there is something wrong with your tactics.
  3. I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.
  4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
  5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him ’Why do you carry a 45?’ The Ranger responded, ’Because they don’t make a 46.’
  6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.
  7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. ’Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?’ ’No ma’am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.’
  8. Beware of the man who only has one gun, because he probably knows how to use it very well.

’The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.’ G. K. Chesterton

A people that values its privileges above its principles will soon lose both.

If you support the 2nd Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, please forward.

FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE

  1. "Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not." ~Thomas Jefferson
  2. Those who trade liberty for security have neither. ~John Adams
  3. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
  4. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
  5. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
  6. Gun control is not about guns; it’s about control.
  7. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
  8. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
  9. You don’t shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
  10. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
  11. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
  12. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights Reserved.
  13. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
  14. What part of ’shall not be infringed’ do you NOT understand?
  15. Guns have only two enemies; rust and politicians.
  16. When you remove the people’s right to bear arms, you create slaves.
  17. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

An Obituary

An Obituary printed in the London Times - Interesting and sadly rather true.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

  • Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
  • Why the early bird gets the worm;
  • Life isn’t always fair;
  • and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame and I’m A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Impeach Pelosi

From the L. A. Times

  1. 40% of all workers in L. A.. County ( L. A. County has 10..2 million people) are working for cash and not paying taxes. This is because they are predominantly illegal immigrants working without a green card.
  2. 95% of warrants for murder in Los Angeles are for illegal aliens.
  3. 75% of people on the most wanted list in Los Angeles are illegal aliens.
  4. Over 2/3 of all births in Los Angeles County are to illegal alien Mexicans on Medi-Cal, whose births were paid for by taxpayers.
  5. Nearly 35% of all inmates in California detention centers are Mexican nationals here illegally.
  6. Over 300,000 illegal aliens in Los Angeles County are living in garages.
  7. The FBI reports half of all gang members in Los Angeles are most likely illegal aliens from south of the border.
  8. Nearly 60% of all occupants of HUD properties are illegal.
  9. 21 radio stations in L. A. are Spanish speaking.
  10. In L. A. County, 5.1 million people speak English, 3.9 million speak Spanish. (There are 10.2 million people in L. A. County.)

(All 10 of the above facts were published in the Los Angeles Times)

Less than 2% of illegal aliens are picking our crops, but 29% are on welfare. Over 70% of the United States’ annual population growth (and over 90% of California, Florida, and New York) results from immigration. 29% of inmates in federal prisons are illegal aliens.

We are fools for letting this continue.

HOW CAN YOU HELP ?

Send copies of this to at least two other people. 100 would be even better.

This is only one State...............

If this doesn’t open your eyes, nothing will, and you wonder why Nancy Pelosi wants them to become voters!

The difference between Obama and a real leader

At a time when our president (Obama) and other politicians tend to apologize for our country’s prior actions, here’s a refresher on how some of our former patriots handled negative comments about our country.

  1. JFK’S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60’s when De Gaulle decided to pull out of NATO. De Gaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.

    Rusk responded, "Does that include those who are buried here?"

    De Gaulle did not respond.

    You could have heard a pin drop...

  2. When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of ’empire building’ by George Bush.

    He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return."

    You could have heard a pin drop...

  3. There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?"

    A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?"

    You could have heard a pin drop...

  4. A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

    Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it’s because the Brit’s, Canadians, Aussie’s, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have to speak German."

    You could have heard a pin drop...

  5. AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...

    Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

    "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

    Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

    "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

    The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it."

    "Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

    The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, ’’Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."

    You could have heard a pin drop...

Security Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let’s get the Bastards" They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability. It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies ’just in case’.

Canada doesn’t have any alert levels.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She’ll be al’right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Ever wonder...

And you wonder why we think Rosis O’Donnel is a bitch. Read this.

Three vampires..

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"

A few one-liners

"My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family." Emo Phillips

"Congressmen who willfully take actions during wartime that damage morale, and undermine the military are saboteurs and should be arrested, exiled or hanged"....President Abraham Lincoln

911...when seconds count, the cops are only minutes away.

Some people are like Slinkies — not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Good commercial

The difference between a Socialist and a Communist is that the Socialist doesn’t have all the guns yet.

An armed society is a polite society.

If you know how many guns you have, you don’t have enough guns. However, just because you don’t know how many guns you have, doesn’t mean you don’t need another one.

To say guns kill people is to say automobiles drive drunk and matches commit arson. Guns are no more responsible for killing people than the spoon is responsible for making Rosie O’Donnell fat. (Why this simple logic escapes liberals is beyond me.)

Favorite Steven Wright - I was crossing the border and the guard asked me if I had any guns. I said "what do you need?"

Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl...

Sitting together on a train was Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand-print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:
Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks:
I can’t wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.

A blonde joke

During a recent password audit at a company, it was found that a blonde receptionist was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Revised Listing Of The World’s Shortest Books

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
by Barack Obama

OTHER BLACK PEOPLE I’VE MET WHILE YACHTING
by Tiger Woods

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry

AMELIA EARHART’S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

TO ALL THE MEN WE’VE LOVED BEFORE...
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O’Donnel

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLER(S)
by O. J. Simpson

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
by Ted Kennedy

MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction
by the Rev. Jesse Jackson

AND, JUST ADDED:

Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By Nancy Pelosi

DIVORCE AGREEMENT 2009

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists, Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950’s, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don’t like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU, and abortion clinics. Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell.

We’ll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms and rednecks. We’ll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks, and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.

We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We’ll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We’ll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We’ll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We’ll practice trickledown economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I’ll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,

John J. Wall

Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand, Jane Fonda and Nancy Pelosi with you.

A man enters a bar...

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What’s your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, and nano-technology.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What’s your IQ?" The man responds, "about 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, Indy 500, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, and guns.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What’s your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the robot says... real slowly.... "So, ya gonna vote for Obama again?"

WHY ARE WE BANKRUPT?

You think the war in Iraq is costing us too much? Read this:

Boy was I confused. I have been hammered with the propaganda that it is the Iraq war and the war on terror that is bankrupting us. I now find that to be RIDICULOUS.

I hope the following 14 reasons are forwarded over and over again until they are read so many times that the reader gets sick of reading them. I also have included the URL’s for verification of all the following facts.

  1. $11 Billion to $22 Billion is spent on welfare to illegal aliens each year by state governments.
    (Verify at: http://tinyurl.com/zob77)
  2. $2.2 Billion dollars a year is spent on food assistance programs such as food stamps, WIC, and free school lunches for illegal aliens.
    (Verify at: http://www.cis.org/articles/2004/fiscalexec.HTML)
  3. $2.5 Billion dollars a year is spent on Medicaid for illegal aliens.
    (Verify at: http://www.cis.org/articles/2004/fiscalexec.HTML)
  4. $12 Billion dollars a year is spent on primary and secondary school education for children here illegally and they cannot speak a word of English!
    (Verify at: http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.0.HTML)
  5. $17 Billion dollars a year is spent for education for the American-born children of illegal aliens, known as anchor babies.
    (Verify at http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.HTML)
  6. $3 Million Dollars a DAY is spent to incarcerate illegal aliens.
    (Verify at: http://transcripts.cnn.com/%20TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.HTML)
  7. 30% percent of all Federal Prison inmates are illegal aliens.
    (Verify at: http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt.01.HTML)
  8. $90 Billion Dollars a year is spent on illegal aliens for Welfare &social services by the American taxpayers.
    (Verify at: http://premium.cnn.com/TRANSCIPTS/0610/29/ldt.01.HTML)
  9. $200 Billion dollars a year in suppressed American wages are caused by the illegal aliens.
    (Verify at: http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSC%20RI%20PTS/0604/01/ldt.01.HTML)
  10. The illegal aliens in the United States have a crime rate that’s two and a half times that of white non-illegal aliens. In particular, their children are going to make a huge additional crime problem in the US
    (Verify at: http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0606/12/ldt.01.HTML)
  11. During the year of 2005 there were 4 to 10 MILLION illegal aliens that crossed our Southern Border also, as many as 19,500 illegal aliens from Terrorist Countries. Millions of pounds of drugs, cocaine, meth, heroin and marijuana, crossed into the U. S from the Southern border.
    (Verify at: Homeland Security Report: http://tinyurl.com/t9sht)
  12. The National policy Institute, estimated that the total cost of mass deportation would be between $206 and $230 billion or an average cost of between $41 and $46 billion annually over a five year period.
    (Verify at: http://www.nationalpolicyinstitute.org/PDF/deportation.PDF)
  13. In 2006 illegal aliens sent home $45 BILLION in remittances to their countries of origin.
    (Verify at: http://www.rense.com/general75/niht.htm)
  14. The Dark Side of Illegal Immigration: Nearly One million sex crimes Committed by Illegal Immigrants In The United States.
    (Verify at: http://www.drdsk.com/articleshtml)

The total cost is a whopping $ 338.3 Billion dollars a year and if you’re like me having trouble understanding this amount of money; it is $338,300,000,000.00 which would be enough to stimulate the economy for the citizens of this country.

Are we THAT stupid? Yes, for letting those in the U.S. Congress get away with letting this happen year after year!

If this doesn’t bother you then just delete the message. If, on the other hand, it does raise the hair on the back of your neck, I hope you forward it to every legal resident in the country including every elected representative in Washington, D.C. - Five times a week for as long as it takes to restore some semblance of intelligence in our policies and enforcement thereof.

From the L. A. Times

  1. 40% of all workers in L. A. County ( L. A. County has 10.2 million people)are working for cash and not paying taxes. This is because they are predominantly illegal immigrants working without a green card.
  2. 95% of warrants for murder in Los Angeles are for illegal aliens.
  3. 75% of people on the most wanted list in Los Angeles are illegal aliens.
  4. Over 2/3 of all births in Los Angeles County are to illegal alien Mexicans on Medi-Cal , whose births were paid for by taxpayers.
  5. Nearly 35% of all inmates in California detention centers are Mexican nationals here illegally
  6. Over 300,000 illegal aliens in Los Angeles County are living in garages.
  7. The FBI reports half of all gang members in Los Angeles are most likely illegal aliens from south of the border.
  8. Nearly 60% of all occupants of HUD properties are illegal
  9. 21 radio stations in L. A. are Spanish speaking.
  10. In L. A. County 5.1 million people speak English, 3.9 million speak Spanish. (There are 10.2 million people in L. A. County . )

(All 10 of the above are from the Los Angeles Times)

Less than 2% of illegal aliens are picking our crops, but 29% are on welfare. Over 70% of the United States ’ annual population growth (and over 90% of California , Florida , and New York ) results from immigration. 29% of inmates in federal prisons are illegal aliens.

We are a bunch of fools for letting this continue HOW CAN YOU HELP ?

Send copies of this to people you know. This is only one State...............If this doesn’t open your eyes nothing will ! And you wonder why Nancy Pelosi wants them to become voters

ONLY IN AMERICA - 2009 VERSION

  • ONLY IN AMERICA...MUST WE SPEND BILLIONS BECAUSE WE CAN’T LET CHRYSLER GO BANKRUPT, AND THEN, LET CHRYSLER GO BANKRUPT.
  • ONLY IN AMERICA...CAN CONGRESS FORCE FANNIE AND FREDDIE TO BUY SUBPRIME LOANS, AND THEN BLAME FANNIE AND FREDDIE FOR BUYING SUBPRIME LOANS.
  • ONLY IN AMERICA...A MAJOR CRISIS REQUIRES SWIFT ACTION TO PASS A BILL WITHOUT READING IT, THEN VACATION FOR THREE DAYS BEFORE THE PRESIDENT HAS TIME TO SIGN IT.
  • ONLY IN AMERICA...YOU CAN BE LEGALLY ILLEGAL
  • ONLY IN AMERICA...THE CONGRESS MAKES LAWS THAT THEY DON’T HAVE TO FOLLOW
  • ONLY IN AMERICA...WHERE YOUR VICE PRESIDENT DECLARES ëJOBSí A 3 LETTER WORD.
  • ONLY IN AMERICA...DOES THE MILITARY GET INVESTIGATED BY HOMELAND SECURITY AS POSSIBLE TERRORISTS, WHILE OUR BORDERS ARE WIDE OPEN.
  • ONLY IN AMERICA...CAN YOU GET A TAX REFUND ON TAXES YOU DIDN’T PAY
  • ONLY IN AMERICA...YOU CAN BLAME OTHERS WHEN YOU DON’T PERFORM
  • ONLY IN AMERICA... YOU HAVE MORE RIGHTS BEING ILLEGAL, THAN YOU DO LEGAL
  • ONLY IN AMERICA...CAN YOU BE 13 AND HAVE AN ABORTION WITHOUT TELLING YOUR PARENTS, BUT MUST HAVE A WRITTEN NOTE FROM YOUR PARENT WHY YOU MISSED SCHOOL.
  • ONLY IN AMERICA...ARE YOU PUNISHED FOR GOOD PERFORMANCE AND REVERED FOR NONPERFORMANCE.
  • ONLY IN AMERICA...CAN YOU CALL LARGE CORPORATIONS EVIL, WHILE 99.9% OF THE AMERICANS WORK IN COMPANIES WITH LESS THAN 500 EMPLOYEES.
  • ONLY IN AMERICA....CAN CHRYSLER GET 10 BILLION IN AID FOR THEIR COMPANY OF 30,000 EMPLOYEES. I GUESS IT IS DIFFICULT TO RUN A COMPANY FOR $333,333 PER EMPLOYEE.
  • ONLY IN AMERICA...WE CARE ABOUT 3 GUYS THAT GET WATER UP THE NOSE, WHILE OUR ENEMIES ARE BEHEADING US AND BLOWING CROWDS OF PEOPLE UP WITH SUICIDE BOMBINGS.
  • ONLY IN AMERICA...YOU CAN SAY OTHER INTERROGATION TECHNIQUES WORK, BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THOSE TECHNIQUES ARE.
  • ONLY IN AMERICA...YOU CAN BE PRESIDENT WITHOUT A BIRTH CERTIFICATE
  • ONLY IN AMERICA...DO POLITICIANS CONSIDER ’WE THE PEOPLE’ ASTRO-TURF
  • ONLY IN AMERICA...WHATEVER GOES WRONG WILL ALWAYS BE BUSH’S FAULT
  • LASTLY, HOWEVER...ONLY IN AMERICA, YOU CAN ONLY BE PRESIDENT WHEN THE TELEPROMPTER IS ON!

Two Related Stories

Two Stories BOTH TRUE - and worth reading!!!!

STORY NUMBER ONE:

Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago. Capone wasn’t famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder. Capone had a lawyer nicknamed ’Easy Eddie.’ He was Capone’s lawyer for a reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie’s skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.

To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not only was the money big, but Eddie got special dividends, as well. For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago city block. Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him.

Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly. Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object. And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was. Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn’t give his son; he couldn’t pass on a good name or a good example.

One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done. He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al ’Scarface’ Capone, clean up his tarnished name, and offer his son some semblance of integrity. To do this, he would have to testify against "The Mob", and he knew that the cost would be great. So, he testified.

Within the year, Easy Eddie’s life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street. But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest price he could ever pay. Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a magazine.

The poem read:

’The clock of life is wound but once, and no man has the power to tell just when the hands will stop, at late or early hour. Now is the only time you own. Live, love, toil with a will. Place no faith in time. For the clock may soon be still.’

STORY NUMBER TWO:

World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O’Hare.

He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier Lexington in the South Pacific.

One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank.

He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship.

His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet. As he was returning to the mother ship, he saw something that turned his blood cold; a squadron of Japanese aircraft was speeding its way toward the American fleet.

The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenseless. He couldn’t reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger. There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet.

Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 caliber’s blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until al his ammunition was finally spent.

Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible, rendering them unfit to fly.

Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction. Deeply relieved, Butch O’Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier. Upon arrival, he reported in and related the events surrounding his return. The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent of Butch’s daring attempt to protect his fleet. He had in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft. This took place on February 20, 1942 , and for that action Butch became the Navy’s first Ace of WW II, and the first Naval Aviator to win the Congression Medal of Honor. A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29. His home town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and today, O’Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.

So, the next time you find yourself at O’Hare International, give some thought to visiting Butch’s memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor. It’s located between Terminals 1 and 2.

SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?

Butch O’Hare was ’Easy Eddie’s’ son.

Billy Graham’s Prayer For Our Country

This man sure has a good view of what’s happening to our country!

’Heavenly Father’, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, ’Woe to those who call evil good,’ but that is exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values. We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery. We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare. We have killed our unborn and called it choice. We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable. We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self esteem. We have abused power and called it politics. We have coveted our neighbor’s possessions and called it ambition. We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression. We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment. Search us, Oh God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Amen!’

Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on his radio program, ’The Rest of the Story,’ and received a larger response to this program than any other he has ever aired. With the Lord’s help, may this prayer sweep over our nation and wholeheartedly become our desire so that we again can be called ’One nation under God.’

Little Johnny meets Barack Obama

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ’tragedy.’ So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a ’tragedy.’

One little boy stood up and offered: ’If my best friend, who lives on a farm is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.’

’No,’ said Obama, ’that would be an accident.’

A little girl raised her hand: ’If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.

I’m afraid not,’ explained Obama. ’That’s what we would call great loss.’

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. ’Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: ’If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.’

’Fantastic!’ exclaimed Obama. ’That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?’

’Well,’ says the boy, ’It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss...and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.’

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box.

He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies "Get out. You’re on my side."

"I’m Tired" by Robert A. Hall

I’ll be 63 soon. Except for one semester in college when jobs were scarce, and a six-month period when I was between jobs, but job-hunting every day, I’ve worked, hard, since I was 18 Despite some health challenges, I still put in 50-hour weeks, and haven’t called in sick in seven or eight years. I make a good salary, but I didn’t inherit my job or my income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, there’s no retirement in sight, and I’m tired. Very tired.

I’m tired of being told that I have to "spread the wealth around" to people who don’t have my work ethic. I’m tired of being told the government will take the money I earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too lazy or stupid to earn it.

I’m tired of being told that I have to pay more taxes to "keep people in their homes." Sure, if they lost their jobs or got sick, I’m willing to help But if they bought McMansions at three times the price of our paid-off, $250,000 condo, on one-third of my salary, then let the left-wing Congress-critters who passed Fannie and Freddie and the Community Reinvestment Act that created the bubble help them with their own money.

I’m tired of being told how bad America is by left-wing millionaires like Michael Moore, George Soros, and Hollywood entertainers who live in luxury because of the opportunities America offers. In thirty years, if they get their way, the United States will have the economy of Zimbabwe, the freedom of the press of China, the crime and violence of Mexico, the tolerance for Christian people of Iran, and the freedom of speech of Venezuela. Won’t multiculturalism be beautiful?

I’m tired of being told that Islam is a "Religion of Peace," when every day I can read dozens of stories of Muslim men killing their sisters, wives and daughters for their family "honor"; of Muslims rioting over some slight offense; of Muslims murdering Christian and Jews because they aren’t "believers"; of Muslims burning schools for girls; of Muslims stoning teenage rape victims to death for "adultery"; of Muslims mutilating the genitals of little girls; all in the name of Allah, because the Qur’an and Shari’a law tells them to.

I believe "a man should be judged by the content of his character, not by the color of his skin." I’m tired of being told that "race doesn’t matter" in the post-racial world of Obama, when it’s all that matters in affirmative action jobs, lower college admission and graduation standards for minorities (harming them the most), government contract set-asides, tolerance for the ghetto culture of violence and fatherless children that hurts minorities more than anyone, and in the appointment of US Senators from Illinois.

I think it’s very cool that we have a black president and that a black child is doing her homework at the desk where Lincoln wrote the emancipation proclamation. I just wish the black president was Condi Rice, or someone who believes more in freedom and the individual and less arrogantly of an all-knowing government.

I’m tired of a news media that thinks Bush’s fundraising and inaugural expenses were obscene, but that think Obama’s, at triple the cost, were wonderful. That thinks Bush exercising daily was a waste of presidential time, but Obama exercising is a great example for the public to control weight and stress, that picked over every line of Bush’s military records, but never demanded that Kerry release his, that slammed Palin, with two years as governor, for being too inexperienced for VP, but touted Obama with three years as senator as potentially the best president ever.

Wonder why people are dropping their subscriptions or switching to Fox News?

Get a clue. I didn’t vote for Bush in 2000, but the media and Kerry drove me to his camp in 2004.

I’m tired of being told that out of "tolerance for other cultures" we must let Saudi Arabia use our oil money to fund mosques and madrassa Islamic schools to preach hate in America, while no American group is allowed to fund a church, synagogue, or religious school in Saudi Arabia to teach love and tolerance.

I’m tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight global warming, which no one is allowed to debate. My wife and I live in a two-bedroom apartment and carpool together five miles to our jobs. We also own a three-bedroom condo where our daughter and granddaughter live. Our carbon footprint is about 5% of Al Gore’s, and if you’re greener than Gore, you’re green enough.

I’m tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I must help support and treat them, and pay for the damage they do. Did a giant germ rush out of a dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up their noses while they tried to fight it off? I don’t think Gay people choose to be Gay, but I damn sure think druggies chose to take drugs. And I’m tired of harassment from cool people treating me like a freak when I tell them I never tried marijuana.

I’m tired of illegal aliens being called "undocumented workers," especially the ones who aren’t working, but are living on welfare or crime. What’s next? Calling drug dealers, Undocumented Pharmacists"?

And, no, I’m not against Hispanics. Most of them are Catholic, and it’s been a few hundred years since Catholics wanted to kill me for my religion. I’m willing to fast track for citizenship any Hispanic person, who can speak English, doesn’t have a criminal record and who is self-supporting without family on welfare, or who serves honorably for three years in our military... Those are the citizens we need. I’m tired of latte liberals and journalists, who would never wear the uniform of the Republic themselves, or let their entitlement-handicapped kids near a recruiting station, trashing our military.

They and their kids can sit at home, never having to make split-second decisions under Life and death circumstances and bad mouth better people than themselves. Do bad things happen in war? You bet. Do our troops sometimes misbehave? Sure. Does this compare with the atrocities that were the policy of our enemies for the last fifty years-and still are? Not even close.

So here’s the deal.

I’ll let myself be subjected to all the humiliation and abuse that was heaped on terrorists at Abu Ghraib or Gitmo, and the critics can let themselves be subject to captivity by the Muslims who tortured and beheaded Daniel Pearl in Pakistan, or the Muslims who tortured and murdered Marine Lt. Col. William Higgins in Lebanon, or the Muslims who ran the blood-spattered Al Qaeda torture rooms our troops found in Iraq, or the Muslims who cut off the heads of schoolgirls in Indonesia, because the girls were Christian. Then we’ll compare notes. British and American soldiers are the only troops in history that civilians came to for help and handouts, instead of hiding from in fear.

I’m tired of people telling me that their party has a corner on virtue and the other party has a corner on corruption. Read the papers-bums are bipartisan. And I’m tired of people telling me we need bipartisanship. I live in Illinois, where the "Illinois Combine" of Democrats has worked to loot the public for years. Not to mention the tax cheats in Obama’s cabinet as well.

I’m tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers, and politicians of both parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting caught. I’m tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor.

Speaking of poor, I’m tired of hearing people with air-conditioned homes, color TVs and two cars called poor. The majority of Americans didn’t have that in 1970, but we didn’t know we were "poor." The poverty pimps have to keep changing the definition of poor to keep the dollars flowing

I’m real tired of people who don’t take responsibility for their lives and actions. I’m tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination, or big-whatever for their problems.

Yes, I’m damn tired. But I’m also glad to be 63. Because, mostly, I’m not going to have to see the world these people are making. I’m just sorry for my granddaughter.

Robert A. Hall is a Marine Vietnam veteran who served five terms in the Massachusetts State Senate.

From a California school teacher

"As you listen to the news about the student protests over illegal immigration, there are some things that you should be aware of:

I am in charge of the English-as-a-second-language department at a large southern California high school which is designated a Title 1 school, meaning that its students average lower socioeconomic and income levels.

Most of the schools you are hearing about, South Gate High, Bell Gardens , Huntington Park , etc., where these students are protesting, are also Title 1 schools.

Title 1 schools are on the free breakfast and free lunch program. When I say free breakfast, I’m not talking a glass of milk and roll -- but a full breakfast and cereal bar with fruits and juices that would make a Marriott proud. The waste of this food is monumental, with trays and trays of it being dumped in the trash uneaten. ( OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK )

I estimate that well over 50% of these students are obese or at least moderately overweight. About 75% or more DO have cell phones. The school also provides day care centers for the unwed teenage pregnant girls (some as young as 13) so they can attend class without the inconvenience of having to arrange for babysitters or having family watch their kids. (OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK)

I was ordered to spend $700,000 on my department or risk losing funding for the upcoming year even though there was little need for anything; my budget was already substantial. I ended up buying new computers for the computer learning center, half of which, one month later, have been carved with graffiti by the appreciative students who obviously feel humbled and grateful to have a free education in America .. (OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK)

I have had to intervene several times for young and substitute teachers whose classes consist of many illegal immigrant students here in the country less then 3 months who raised so much hell with the female teachers, calling them "Putas" whores and throwing things that the teachers were in tears.

Free medical, free education, free food, day care etc., etc, etc. Is it any wonder they feel entitled to not only be in this country but to demand rights, privileges and entitlements ?

To those who want to point out how much these illegal immigrants contribute to our society because they LIKE their gardener and housekeeper and they like to pay less for tomatoes: spend some time in the real world of illegal immigration and see the TRUE costs ..

Higher insurance, medical facilities closing , higher medical costs, more crime, lower standards of education in our schools, overcrowding, new diseases etc., etc, etc .For me, I’ll pay more for tomatoes.

We need to wake up. The guest worker program will be a disaster because we won’t have the guts to enforce it. Does anyone In their right mind really think they will voluntarily leave and return?

It does, however, have everything to do with culture: A third-world culture that does not value education , that accepts children getting pregnant and dropping out of school by 15 and that refuses To assimilate , and an American culture that has become so weak and worried about " politically correctness " that we don’t have the will to do anything about it.

If this makes your blood boil , as it did mine, forward this to everyone you know.

CHEAP LABOR? Isn’t that what the whole immigration issue is about?

  • Business doesn’t want to pay a decent wage.
  • Consumers don’t want expensive produce.
  • Government will tell you Americans don’t want the jobs.
  • But the bottom line is cheap labor. The phrase "cheap labor" is a myth, a farce, and a lie. There is no such thing as "cheap labor."
  • Take, for example, an illegal alien with a wife and five children. He takes a job for $5.00 or 6.00/hour. At that wage, with six dependents, he pays no income tax, yet at the end of the year, if he files an Income Tax Return, he gets an "earned income credit" of up to $3,200 free.
  • He qualifies for Section 8 housing and subsidized rent.
  • He qualifies for food stamps.
  • He qualifies for free (no deductible, no co-pay) health care.
  • His children get free breakfasts and lunches at school.
  • He requires bilingual teachers and books.
  • He qualifies for relief from high energy bills.
  • If they are or become, aged, blind or disabled, they qualify for SSI. Once qualified for SSI they can qualify for Medicare. All of this is at (our) taxpayer’s expense.
  • He doesn’t worry about car insurance, life insurance, or homeowners insurance.
  • Taxpayers provide Spanish language signs, bulletins and printed material.
  • He and his family receive the equivalent of $20.00 to $30.00/hour in benefits.
  • Working Americans are lucky to have $5.00 or $6.00/hour left after paying their bills and his.

The American taxpayers also pay for increased crime, graffiti and trash clean-up. Cheap labor? YEAH RIGHT! Wake up people!

Best Answer ever to a Stupid Question

Katie Couric, while interviewing a Marine sniper, asked: "What do you feel... when you shoot a Terrorist?"

The Marine shrugged and replied, "A slight recoil."

Drinking with a Redneck Girl

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, ’In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don’t need to drink with the same one twice.’

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, ’In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don’t need to drink with the same one twice either.’

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, ’In America we have so many illegal aliens we don’t have to drink with the same ones twice.’

Obama

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says, "Excellent trade, sir."

Jay Leno

"President Obama got some good news today. It seems so many of his cabinet appointees have been forced to pay their back taxes, he now gets a finderís fee from the IRS."

"The economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, even people who donít like Barack Obama arenít paying their taxes."

"President Obama today came out against human cloning, but I think he might be a little hasty here because there should be exceptions. For example, letís say Obama can find a nominee who has paid his taxes. Clone that guy."

Grandpa

My old grandpa said to me son,’ there comes a time in every man’s life when he stops bustin’ knuckles and starts bustin’ caps and usually it’s when he becomes too old to take a whoopin’.

I don’t carry a gun to kill people.
I carry a gun to keep from being killed.

I don’t carry a gun to scare people.
I carry a gun because sometimes this world can be a scary place.

I don’t carry a gun because I’m paranoid.
I carry a gun because there are real threats in the world.

I don’t carry a gun because I’m evil.
I carry a gun because I have lived long enough to see the evil in the world.

I don’t carry a gun because I hate the government.
I carry a gun because I understand the limitations of government.

I don’t carry a gun because I’m angry.
I carry a gun so that I don’t have to spend the rest of my life hating myself for failing to be prepared.

I don’t carry a gun because I want to shoot someone.
I carry a gun because I want to die at a ripe old age in my bed, and not on a sidewalk somewhere tomorrow afternoon.

I don’t carry a gun because I’m a cowboy.
I carry a gun because, when I die and go to heaven, I want to be a cowboy.

I don’t carry a gun to make me feel like a man.
I carry a gun because men know how to take care of themselves and the ones they love.

I don’t carry a gun because I feel inadequate.
I carry a gun because unarmed and facing three armed thugs, I am inadequate.

I don’t carry a gun because I love it.
I carry a gun because I love life and the people who make it meaningful to me.

Police Protection is an oxymoron. Free citizens must protect themselves.
Police do not protect you from crime, they usually just investigate the crime after it happens and then call someone in to clean up the mess.

Who Own’s Target Stores

Wasn’t it last Christmas that Target refused to let the Salvation Army ring their bells in front of their stores?

Dick Forrey of the Vietnam Veterans Association wrote.

’Recently we asked the local TARGET store to be a proud sponsor of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall during our spring recognition event.

We received the following reply from the local TARGET management: ’ Veterans do not meet our area of giving. We only donate to the arts, social action groups, gay & lesbian causes, and education.’

So I’m thinking, if the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall and veterans in general, do not meet their donation criteria, then something is really wrong at this TARGET store. We were not asking for thousands of dollars, not even hundreds, just a small sponsorship for a memorial remembrance.

As a follow-up, I E-mailed the TARGET U.S. Corporate Headquarters and their response was the same. That’s their national policy.

Then I looked into the company further.

They will not allow the Marines to collect for ’Toys for Tots’ at any of their stores. And during the recent Iraq deployment, they would not allow families of employees who were called up for active duty to continue their insurance coverage while they were on military service. Then as I dig further, TARGET is a French-owned corporation.

Now, I’m thinking again. If TARGET cannot support American Veterans, then why s hould my family and I support their stores by spending our hard earned American dollars! And, have their profits sent to France . Wi thout the American Vets, where would France be today? ’They, most likely would be speaking German and trading in Deutsch Marks’

Sincerely,
Dick Forrey
Veterans Helping Veterans

"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is about the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."

- Dr. Adrian Rogers, 1931 - 2005

CNN 2min video should be mandatory viewing for every US citizen

Watch (4MB WMV file)

obama

THE LAW IS THE LAW!

So ’if’ the US government determines that it is against the law for the words ’under God’ to be on our money, then, so be it.

And ’if’ that same government decides that the ’Ten Commandments’ are not to be used in or on a government installation, then, so be it.

I say, ’so be it’ ,because I would like to be a law abiding US citizen.

I say, ’so be it’ ,because I would like to think that smarter people than I are in positions to make good decisions.

I would like to think that those people have the American public’s best interests at heart. BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I’D LIKE?

Since we can’t pray to God, can’t Trust in God and cannot post His Commandments in Government buildings, I don’t believe the Government and its employees should participate in the Easter and Christmas celebrations which honor the God that our government is eliminating from many facets of American life.

I’d like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving & Easter. After all, it’s just another day.

I’d like the ’ US S supreme Court to be in session on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving & Easter as well as Sundays.’ After all, it’s just another day.

I’d like the Senate and the House of Representatives to not have to worry about getting home for the ’Christmas Break.’ After all, it’s just another day. I’m thinking that a lot of my taxpayer dollars could be saved, if all government offices & services would work on Christmas, Good Friday & Easter. It shouldn’t cost any overtime since those would be just like any other day of the week to a government that is trying to be ’politically correct.’

In fact....

I think that our government should work on Sundays (initially set aside for worshipping God...)because, after all, our government says that it should be just another day.... What do you all think????

If this idea gets to enough people, maybe our elected officials will stop giving in to the ’minority opinions’ and begin, once again, to represent the ’majority’ of ALL of the American people. SO BE IT.......... .

Please Dear Lord, Give us the help needed to keep you in our country!

SHALL WE HIRE A MONUMENT ENGRAVER TO GO TO ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY AND ADD THE MISSING WORDS?

A MESSAGE FROM AN APPALLED OBSERVER:

Today I went to visit the new World War II Memorial in Washington , DC . I got an unexpected history lesson. Because I’m a baby boomer, I was one of the youngest in the crowd.. Most were the age of my parents, Veterans of ’the greatest war,’ with their families. It was a beautiful day, and people were smiling and happy to be there. Hundreds of us milled around the memorial, reading the inspiring words of Eisenhower and Truman that are engraved there.

On the Pacific side of the memorial, a group of us gathered to read the words President Roosevelt used to announce the attack on Pearl Harbor:

Yesterday, December 7, 1941-- a date which will live in infamy--the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked.

One elderly woman read the words aloud:

’With confidence in our armed forces, with the abounding determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph.’

But as she read, she was suddenly turned angry. ’Wait a minute,’ she said, ’they left out the end of the quote.. They left out the most important part. Roosevelt ended the message with ’so help us God.’

Her husband said, ’You are probably right. We’re not supposed to say things like that now .’

’I know I’m right,’ she insisted. ’I remember the speech.’ The two looked dismayed, shook their heads sadly and walked away.

Listening to their conversation, I thought to myself, Well, it has been over 50 years she’s probably forgotten.’

But she had not forgotten. She was right.

I went home and pulled out the book my book club is reading --- ’Flags of Our Fathers’ by James Bradley. It’s all about the battle at Iwo Jima .

I haven’t gotten too far in the book. It’s tough to read because it’s a graphic description of the WWII battles in the Pacific.

But right there it was on page 58. Roosevelt ’s speech to the nation ends in ’so help us God.’

The people who edited out that part of the speech when they engraved it on the memorial could have fooled me. I was born after the war.! But they couldn’t fool the people who were there. Roosevelt ’s words are engraved on their hearts.

Now I ask: ’WHO GAVE THEM THE RIGHT TO CHANGE THE WORDS OF HISTORY?

People today are trying to change the history of America by leaving God out of it, but the truth is, God has been a part of this nation, since the beginning. He still wants to be...and He always will be!

hillary

NEW from DeWalt

THE 16-D RAPIDFIRE

dewalt

A new Nail Gun, made by DeWalt, has just been introduced.

It can drive a 16-D nail through a 2 X 4 at 200 yards. This makes construction a breeze. You can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.

Just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back, relax with a cold beer and when she has the board in the right place, just fire away.

With the hundred round magazine, you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading. After a day of fence building with the new DeWalt Rapid fire nail gun, the wife will not ask you to build or fix anything again.

Is It NBA Or NFL?

36 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses (with more businesses being added to the list daily)

3 have done time for assault

71 get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 currently are defendants in lawsuits, and

84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Neither, it’s the 435 members of the United States Congress

The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

White Cell Phone

Nokia has finally designed a cell phone for white people who need to make a cell phone call while in East Saint Louis, Memphis, South Chicago, South Dallas, Fort Worth, Houston, L.A., Miami, Detroit, New Orleans, Louisville West End, Philadelphia, New Jersey, or Atlanta .

white-cell-phone

Misc. quotes

  1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams
  2. If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain
  3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
  4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle .. -- Winston Churchill
  5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw
  6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy
  7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
  8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
  9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian
  10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
  11. Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)
  12. I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers
  13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free! -- P.J. O’Rourke
  14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire (1764)
  15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)
  16. No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)
  17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous
  18. The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan
  19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill
  20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain
  21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
  22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress. -- Mark Twain
  23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
  24. "Great Spirits Often Encounter Violent Opposition From Mediocre Minds" -- Albert Einstein
  25. ’’Life’s tough......it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.’’ -- John Wayne

The Zen of Sarcasm

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like ’The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

AND

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

A cup of Coffee

The man slowly looked up. This was a woman clearly accustomed to the finer things of life. Her coat was new. She looked like that she had never missed a meal in her life. His first thought was that she wanted to make fun of him, like so many others had done before.

’Leave me alone,’ he growled.

To his amazement, the woman continued standing. She was smiling -- her even white teeth displayed in dazzling rows. ’Are you hungry?’ she asked.

’No,’ he answered sarcastically. ’I’ve just come from dining with the president. Now go away.’ The woman’s smile became even broader. Suddenly the man felt a gentle hand under his arm.

’What are you doing, lady?’ the man asked angrily. ’I said to leave me alone.

Just then a policeman came up. ’Is there any problem, ma’am?’ he asked.

’No problem here, officer,’ the woman answered. ’I’m just trying to get this man to his feet. Will you help me?’

The officer scratched his head. ’That’s old Jack. He’s been a fixture around here for a couple of years. What do you want with him?’

’See that cafeteria over there?’ she asked. ’I’m going to get him something to eat and get him out of the cold for awhile.’

’Are you crazy, lady?’ the homeless man resisted. ’I don’t want to go in there!’ Then he felt strong hands grab his other arm and lift him up.

’Let me go, officer. I didn’t do anything.’

’This is a good deal for you, Jack,’ the officer answered. ’Don’t blow it’

Finally, and with some difficulty, the woman and the police officer got Jack into the cafeteria and sat him at a table in a remote corner. It was the middle of the morning, so most of the breakfast crowd had already left and the lunch bunch had no t yet arrived. The manager strode across the cafeteria and stood by his table.

’What’s going on here, officer?’ he asked. ’What is all this. Is this man in trouble?’

’This lady brought this man in here to be fed,’ the policeman answered.

’Not in here!’ the manager replied angrily. ’Having a person like that here is bad for business.’

Old Jack smiled a toothless grin. ’See, lady. I told you so. Now if you’ll let me go. I didn’t want to come here In the first place.’

The woman turned to the cafeteria manager and smiled. ’Sir, are you familiar with Eddy and Associates, the banking firm down the street?’

’Of course I am,’ the manager answered impatiently. ’They hold their weekly meetings in one of my banquet rooms.’

’And do you make a goodly amount of money providing food at these weekly meetings?’

’What business is that of yours?’

’I, sir, am Penelope Eddy, president and CEO of the company.’

’Oh.’

The woman smiled again. ’I thought that might make a difference.’ She glanced at the cop who was busy stifli ng a giggle. ’Would you like to join us in a cup of coffee and a meal, officer?’

’No thanks, ma’am,’ the officer replied. ’I’m on duty.’

’Then, perhaps, a cup of coffee to go?’

’Yes, ma’am. That would be very nice.’

The cafeteria manager turned on his heel ’I’ll get your coffee for you right away, officer.’

The officer watched him walk away. ’You certainly put him in his place,’ he said.

’That was not my intent. Believe it or not, I have a reason for all this.’

She sat down at the table across from her amazed dinner guest She stared at him intently. ’Jack, do you remember me?’

Old Jack searched her face with his old , rheumy eyes ’I think so -- I mean you do look familiar.’

’I’m a little older perhaps,’ she said. ’Maybe I’ve even filled out more than in my younger days when you worked here, and I came through that very door, cold and hungry.’

’Ma’am?’ the officer said questioningly. He couldn’t believe that such a magnificently turned out woman could ever have been hungry.

’I was just out of college,’ the woman began. ’I had come to the city looking for a job, but I couldn’t find anything. Finally I was down to my last few cents and had been kicked out of my apartment. I walked the streets for days. It was February and I was cold and nearly starving. I saw this place and walked in on the off chance that I could get something to eat.’

Jack lit up with a smile. ’Now I remember,’ he said. ’I was behind the serving counter. You came up and asked me if you could work for something to eat. I said that it was against company policy.’

’I know,’ the woman continued. ’Then you made me the biggest roast beef sandwich that I had ever seen, gave me a cup of coffee, and told me to go over to a corner table and enjoy it. I was afraid that you would get into trouble. Then, when I looked over, I saw you put the price of my food in the cash register. I knew then that everything would be all right.’

’So you started your own business?’ Old Jack said.

’I got a job that very afternoon. I worked my way up. Eventually I started my own business, that, with the help of God, prospered.’

She opened her purse and pulled out a business card. ’When you are finished here, I want you to pay a visit to a Mr. Lyons. He’s the personnel director of my company. I’ll go talk to him now and I’m certain he’ll find something for you to do around the office.’ She smiled. ’I think he might even find the funds to give you a little advance so that you can buy some clothes and get a place to live until you get on your feet. If you ever need anything, my door is always opened to you.’

There were tears in the old man’s eyes. ’How can I ever thank you? ’ he said.

’Don’t thank me,’ the woman answered. ’To God goes the glory. Thank Jesus He led me to you.’

Outside the cafeteria, the officer and the woman paused at the entrance before going their separate ways. ’Thank you for all your help, officer,’ she said.

’On the contrary, Ms. Eddy,’ he answered. ’Thank you. I saw a miracle today, something that I will never forget. And...And thank you for the coffee.’

POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF GRADY JUDD

Some ’dirtbag’ in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up ’executing’ the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A statewide manhunt ensued.

The low-life was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit the guy 68 times.

Now here’s the kicker: Naturally , the media asked why they shot him 68 times.

Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, told the Orlando Sentinel : ’That’s all the bullets we had !!’

Justice Served. Bullets are much cheaper than 40 years of meals, cable and civil rights

NEW PREAMBLE TO THE CONSTITUTION

(The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Aye from GA.)

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden delusionals.

We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."

ARTICLE I
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but NO ONE is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; But the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. (This one is my pet peeve...get an education and go to work .. don’t expect everyone else to take care of you!)

ARTICLE V
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we’re just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won’t have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII
You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE IX
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X
This is an English speaking country. We don’t care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from!

ARTICLE XI
You do not have the right to change our country’s history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!!!!

1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

  • Albert A. Gore, Jr.
  • Hillary Rodham
  • John F. Kerry
  • William J. Clinton
  • Howard Dean
  • Nancy Pelosi
  • Dianne Feinstein
  • Charles E. Schumer
  • Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me. No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

Now You Know........ the rest of the story.

Dear IRS,

I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay taxes owed April 15, but all is not lost.

I have paid these taxes: accounts receivable tax, building permit tax, CDL tax, cigarette tax, corporate income tax, dog license tax, federal income tax, unemployment tax, gasoline tax, hunting license tax, fishing license tax, waterfowl stamp tax, inheritance tax, inventory tax, liquor tax, luxury tax, Medicare tax, city, school and county property tax (up 33 percent last 4 years), real estate tax, social security tax, road usage tax, toll road tax, state and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax, state franchise tax, state unemployment tax, telephone federal excise tax, telephone federal state and local surcharge tax, telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, telephone state and local tax, utility tax, vehicle license registration tax, capitol gains tax, lease severance tax, oil and gas assessment tax, Colorado property tax, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma and New Mexico sales tax, and many more that I can’t recall but I have run out of space and money.

When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake. Please treat me the same way you treated Democrat Congressmen Charles Rangle, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank and ex-Congressman Tom Dashelle and, of course, your boss Timothy Geithner. No penalties and no interest.

P.S. I will make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check.

More Quotes

"Congressmen (and Senators?) who willfully take actions during wartime that damage morale, and undermine the military are saboteurs and should be arrested, exiled or hanged!" - President Abraham Lincoln, during the Civil War

"A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the voters discover that they can vote themselves largess from the public treasury. From that time on the majority always votes for the candidates promising the most benefits from the public treasury, with the results that a democracy always collapses over loose fiscal policy, always followed by a dictatorship. The average age of the world’s great civilizations has been 200 years. These nations have progressed through this sequence: from bondage to spiritual faith from spiritual faith to great courage from courage to liberty from liberty to abundance from abundance to selfishness from selfishness to complacency from complacency to apathy from apathy to dependency from dependency back to bondage." - Alexander Fraser Tytler (1742-1813)

"All of us need to be reminded that the federal government did not create the states; the states created the federal government!" - Ronald Reagan

"Firearms stand next in importance to the Constitution itself! They are the American people’s Liberty Teeth and keystone under Independence. From the hour the Pilgrims landed, to the present day, events, occurances, and tendencies PROVE that to insure peace, security, and happiness, the rifle and pistol are equally indespensable. The very atmosphere of firearms EVERYWHERE restrains evil interference -- they deserve a place of HONOR with all that’s good!" - President Geo. Washington, in a speech to Congress. 7 January, 1790

"The right of citizens to bear arms is just one guarantee against arbitrary government, one more safeguard against the tyranny which now appears remote in America, but which has proven to be always possible." - Senator Hubert H. Humphrey

"Every good communist should know that political power grows out of the barrel of a gun, the Communist Party must control the guns." - Mao Tse Tung

"(W)hen the resolution of enslaving America was formed in Great Britain, the British Parliament was advised by an artful man, who was Governor of Pennsylvania, to disarm the people; that it was the best and most effectual way to enslave them; but that they should do it not openly, but weaken them, and let them sink gradually."..........I ask, who are the Militia? They consist now of the WHOLE people, except a few public officers." - George Mason, Virginia’s U.S. Constitution ratification convention, 1788

"Only an armed people can be the real bulwark of popular liberty." - Vladimir I. Lenin, first leader of the Soviet Union

"A system of licensing and registration is the perfect device to deny gun ownership to the bourgeoisie." - Vladimir I. Lenin, first leader of the Soviet Union

"A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity." - Sigmund Freud

"For the bureaucrat, the world is a mere object to be manipulated by him." - Karl Marx

"Only a coward supports gun control, you know how to stop car jacking? Shoot the carjacker. If someone is going to kill me for my Buick, I’m gonna shoot until I’m out of ammo, and then I’ll call 911." - Ted Nugent, People Magazine, 1994

"You cannot invade the mainland United States. There would be a rifle behind each blade of grass." - Japanese Admiral Yamamoto, 1941

"The beauty of the second amendment is that it will not be needed unless they try to take it." - Thomas Jefferson

"Gun Bans don’t disarm criminals, gun bans ATTRACT them." - Walter Mondale (a Democrat!)

"They that can give up ESSENTIAL Liberty, to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve NEITHER liberty nor safety" - Benjamin Franklin

"Americans (have) the right and advantage of being armed, unlike citizens of other countries whose governments are afraid to trust the people with arms." - James Madison

"The strongest reason for the PEOPLE to RETAIN the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against TYRANNY in Government!" - Thos. Jefferson

"No FREE man shall EVER be barred the use of arms" - Thos. Jefferson, Proposal Virginia Constitution, T. Jefferson Papers, 334

"The GREAT object is that EVERY man be armed. Everyone who is able might have a gun!" - Patrick Henry, 3 Elliot, Debates at 386

"A Militia, when PROPERLY formed, are in fact the PEOPLE themselves, and include ALL men capable of bearing arms." - Richard Henry Lee, Additional Letters from the Federal Farmer (1788) at 169

"What, Sir, is the USE of a Militia? It is to PREVENT the establishment of a standing army, the BANE of Liberty!" - Rep. Elbridge Gerry of Massachusetts, 1 Annals of Congress at 750 (17 Aug., 1789)

"Arms in the hands of citizens (may) be used at individual discretion......in private self defense......" - John Adams; A Defense of the Constitution of the Government of the U.S.A. 471 (1788)

".......the PEOPLE have a RIGHT to keep and bear arms." - Patrick Henry, Elliot, Debates at 185

"Among the many misdeeds of the British rule in India, history will look upon the act of depriving a whole nation of it’s arms as the blackest." - Mahatma Ghandi, 1927

"An ’appeaser’ is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last." - Winston Churchill

A few more FACTS about why gun control is good for everyone. And the United Nations wants this for us.

  • Turkey established gun control in 1911. From 1915 through 1917, 1.5 MILLION Armenians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
  • The Soviet Union established gun control in 1929. From 1929 through 1953, 20 MILLION political dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
  • Germany established gun control in 1938. From 1939 through 1945, 13 MILLION Jews, Gypsies, HOMOSEXUALS, the mentally ill, and other "mongrolized" people, were rounded up and exterminated.
  • China established gun control in 1935. From 1949 through ???, 20 MILLION political dissidents and others, unable to defend themselves, have been rounded up and exterminated.
  • Cambodia established gun control in 1956. From 1975 through 1977, 1 MILLION "educated people", unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
  • Guatemala established gun control in 1964. From 1964 through 1981, 100,000 native Mayan Indians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
  • Uganda established gun control in 1970. From 1971 through 1979, 300,000 Christians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
  • The United States started establishing gun control in 1934.

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." - George Santayana, Spanish Philosopher (1863-1952)

"Germans who wish to use guns should join the S.S., or the S.A. (Army), ordinary citizens don’t need guns, as their having guns doesn’t serve the state." - Heinrich Himmler

"The most FOOLISH mistake we could possibly make would be to allow the subjected people to carry arms; history shows that all conquerors who have allowed their subjected people to carry arms have prepared their own fall." - Adolph Hitler, edict of 18 March, 1938

"Guard with jealous attention the public liberty. Suspect every one who approaches that jewel. Unfortunately, nothing will preserve it but downright FORCE. Whenever you give up that force, you are ruined." - Patrick Henry

"The balance of power is the scale of peace. The same balance would be preserved were ALL the world destitute of arms, for all would be alike; but since some will not, others dare not lay them aside. Horrible mischief would ensue were one half the world deprived of the use of them.............the weak will become prey to the strong." - Thomas Paine

NEW PREAMBLE TO THE CONSTITUTION

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden delusionals.

We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."

ARTICLE I
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but No one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is Based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; But the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool Manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the Creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. (This one is my pet peeve...get an education and go to work .. don’t expect everyone else to take care of you!)

ARTICLE V
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we’re just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won’t have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII
You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. (AMEN!)

ARTICLE IX
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X
This is an English speaking country. We don’t care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from! (lastly....)

ARTICLE XI
You do not have the right to change our country’s history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!!!!

Quotes from Ronald Reagan

Here’s my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they’re ignorant; it’s just that they know so much that isn’t so.

Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong.

I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.

The taxpayer: That’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.

Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.

It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.

Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.

No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.

If we ever forget that we’re one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under.

The Atheist and the Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don’t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007

Scenario:

Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack ’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:

Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario:

Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario:

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario:

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario:

Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario:

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.

2007- BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario:

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy

Mathematics And Others

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Airplane Jokes

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. (P = the problem logged by the pilot.) (S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

St. Peters

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. " On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you’ll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago"

Dog Stuff

The Reason A Dog Has So Many Friends Is That He Wags His Tail Instead Of His Tongue.
-Anonymous

Don’t Accept Your Dog’s Admiration As Conclusive Evidence That You Are Wonderful.
-Ann Landers

If There Are No Dogs In Heaven, Then When I Die I Want To Go Where They Went.
-Will Rogers

There Is No Psychiatrist In The World Like A Puppy Licking Your Face.
-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings

The Average Dog Is A Nicer Person Than The Average Person.
-Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It’s the best deal man has ever made.
-M. Acklam

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
-Sigmund Freud

I Wonder If Other Dogs Think Poodles Are Members Of A Weird Religious Cult.
-Rita Rudner

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
-Robert Benchley

Anybody Who Doesn\’T Know What Soap Tastes Like Never Washed A Dog.
-Franklin P. Jones

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-James Thurber

If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise.
-Unknown

My Dog Is Worried About The Economy Because Alpo Is Up To $3.00 A Can. That’S Almost $21.00 In Dog Money.
-Joe Weinstein

Ever Consider What Our Dogs Must Think Of Us? I Mean, Here We Come Back From A Grocery Store With The Most Amazing Haul -- Chicken, Pork, Half A Cow. They Must Think We\’Re The Greatest Hunters On Earth!
-Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

If You Pick Up A Starving Dog And Make Him Prosperous, He Will Not Bite You; That Is The Principal Difference Between A Dog And A Man.
-Mark Twain

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ’Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’
- Dave Barry

Dogs Are Not Our Whole Life, But They Make Our Lives Whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret

Bubba

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yep," Bubba says, "I know him, let’s fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "I’ve known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.

Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter’s.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss’s side, Bubba asks him,

"What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?

Blonde Cookbook!

MONDAY: It’s fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can’t say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY: Tom’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.

SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

MAINE is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Fall s froze completely solid.

The words racecar, kayak, level are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There’s no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

Now, you know everything

COLD WINTER AHEAD!

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared..

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it’s going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Theodore Roosevelt said the following about immigrants and being an American. I guess this line of thought is now "politically incorrect" among self-loathing, bleeding hearts, because it might lose you the terrorist’s vote.

"In the first place we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the man’s becoming in very fact an American, and nothing but an American...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn’t an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag, and this excludes the red flag, which symbolizes all wars against liberty and civilization, just as much as it excludes any foreign flag of a nation to which we are hostile...We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language...and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."

Theodore Roosevelt 1907

A MEMORY OF ROSE

The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn’t already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder.

I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.

She said, "Hi handsome. My name is Rose.

I’m eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?"

I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze.

"Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I asked.

She jokingly replied, "I’m here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids..."

"No seriously," I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.

"I always dreamed of having a college education and now I’m getting one!" she told me.

After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake.

We became instant friends.. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.

Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went.

She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.

At! the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet.

I’ll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor.

Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, "I’m sorry I’m so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I’ll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know."

As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, "We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing.

There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You’ve got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.

We have so many people walking around who are dead and don’t even know it!

There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up.

If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don’t do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight.

Anybody can grow older. That doesn’t take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets.

The elderly usually don’t have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets."

She concluded her speech by courageously singing "The Rose."

She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.

At the year’s end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago.

One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep.

Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it’s never too late to be all you can possibly be.

When you finish reading this, please send this peaceful word of advice to your friends and family, they’ll really enjoy it!

These words have been passed along in loving memory of ROSE.

REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

We make a Living by what we get, We make a Life by what we give.

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

"Good friends are like stars.........You don’t always see them, but you know they are always there."

Are you a Democrat, Republican or ....a Southern Republican?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

Question:

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes on you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat’s Answer:

Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he would be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! ! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican’s Answer:

....BANG!

Southern Republican’s Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click.....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click

Daughter:

"Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

Bill Gates

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it.

Rule 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

Types of people

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

HISTORY TEST

Please pause a moment, reflect back, and take the following multiple choice test. The events are actual events from history.

Do you remember?

  1. 1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by
    1. Superman
    2. Jay Leno
    3. Harry Potter
    4. a Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40
  2. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by
    1. Olga Corbett
    2. Sitting Bull
    3. Arnold Schwarzenegger
    4. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
  3. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
    1. Lost Norwegians
    2. Elvis
    3. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
    4. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
  4. During the 1980’s a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
    1. John Dillinger
    2. The King of Sweden
    3. The Boy Scouts
    4. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
  5. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
    1. A pizza delivery boy
    2. Pee Wee Herman
    3. Geraldo Rivera
    4. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
  6. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
    1. The Smurfs
    2. Davy Jones
    3. The Little Mermaid
    4. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
  7. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
    1. Captain Kidd
    2. Charles Lindberg
    3. Mother Teresa
    4. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
  8. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
    1. Scooby Doo
    2. The Tooth Fairy
    3. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
    4. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
  9. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
    1. Richard Simmons
    2. Grandma Moses
    3. Michael Jordan
    4. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
  10. In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
    1. Mr. Rogers
    2. Hillary Clinton
    3. The World Wrestling Federation
    4. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
  11. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:
    1. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
    2. The Supreme Court of Florida
    3. Mr. Bean
    4. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
  12. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
    1. Enron
    2. The Lutheran Church
    3. The NFL
    4. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
  13. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
    1. Bonnie and Clyde
    2. Captain Kangaroo
    3. Billy Graham
    4. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

And guess who just bombed London!!

Now, I really don’t see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you?

So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, secret agents who are members of the President’s security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winner and former Governor Joe Foss, but leave Muslim Males between the ages 17 and 40 alone lest we be guilty of profiling.

Send this to as many people as you can so that the Gloria Aldreds and other dunder-headed attorneys along with Federal Justices and your reps in Washington that want to thwart common sense, feel doubly ashamed of themselves . As the writer of the award winning story "Forrest Gump" so aptly put it, "Stupid is as stupid does."

CIA Test

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can’t kill my wife."

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Welcome to America

A Pakistani arrives in Houston, Texas. All excited, he stops the first person he meets.

“Good day, Mr. American, thank you to accept me in your nice country, and...”

The person interrupts and says: “I am not American, I’m Puerto Rican.”

The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by:

“Thank you Mr. American for to let my family and me stay here...”

Again, he is interrupted before finishing his sentence:

“American, no ! Mexican National. See, still wet.......”

The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by:

“Mr. American, me thank you for hospitality you give...”

“But my friend, don’t you see that I am black? I am African, not American”

“But,” answers the Pakistani distressed, “where are the Americans?”

The African looks at his watch and says: “Oh, they’re all at work.”

Abbott and Costello Upgraded

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too Old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who’s on first?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue "w" if you don’t start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I’m at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don’t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on start

This is the exciting, Brand New 2005 Edition of “You know you’re a redneck when.......”

  1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
  2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
  3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
  5. You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
  6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
  7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
  8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
  9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
  10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
  13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
  14. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
  15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
  16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
  17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
  18. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
  20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
  21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
  22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
  24. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.
  25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
  26. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
  27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.
  28. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
  29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
  30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph!

Other Stuff

  • Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
  • Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?
  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  • Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
  • Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
  • Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
  • Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
  • Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  • Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
  • What is the speed of darkness?
  • Are there specially reserved parking spaces for “normal” people at the Special Olympics?
  • If you send someone ’Styrofoam’, how do you pack it?
  • If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
  • If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
  • If it’s true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
  • Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
  • If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
  • Do you cry under water?
  • How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
  • If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
  • Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
  • How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
  • Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up every two hours?
  • If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
  • Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
  • Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

BLONDE JOKES

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........and one blonde says to the other: “Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?”

The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????”

Car Trouble

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, “What’s the story?”

He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor”

She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

Speeding Ticket

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”

River Walk

There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

“Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?”

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You ARE on the other side.”

Knitting

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled , “PULL OVER!”

“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”

Blonde On The Sun

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!” The American said, “We were the first on the moon!” The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

“You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”

“Tolerance means everyone has the right to their opion, NOT that everyone’s opinion is right.”

“Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. But give a man a boat, a case of beer, and a few sticks of dynamite...”

Woman’s Perfect Breakfast

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Marriage Seminar

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He addressed the man, “Can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?”

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I’ll stop right here.

Wife Vs. Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

Creation

A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.”

The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!”

Why terrorists commit suicide

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let’s see now.

  • No Jesus
  • No Christmas
  • No television
  • No cheerleaders
  • No baseball
  • No football
  • No hockey
  • No golf
  • No tailgate parties
  • No Wal-Mart
  • No Home Depot
  • No pork BBQ
  • No hot dogs
  • No burgers
  • No chocolate chip cookies
  • No lobster
  • No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
  • No gumbo
  • No jambalaya
  • No beer
  • Rags for clothes and towels for hats
  • Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he’s sick and there are no doctors
  • Constant wailing from the guy in the tower
  • More than one wife
  • You can’t shave
  • Your wives can’t shave
  • You can’t shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung
  • The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times
  • Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey. But Your donkey has a better disposition

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they’ve passed.

Three friends from the local congregation were asked “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say? “

Artie said: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”

Eugene commented: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”

Don said: “I’d like them to say, “Look, he’s moving!”

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . “God, what does a million years mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A minute.”

Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A penny.”

Smith asks,” Can I have a penny?”

The Lord replies, “In a minute”.

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”

”Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. “Give me one last request, dear,” he said.

”Of course, John, “ his wife said softly.

”Six months after I die,” he said, “I want you to marry Bob”

”But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.

With his last breath John said, “I do!”

A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”

The Rabbi Then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see whatI can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”

THE LEOPARD,THE POODLE, AND THE MONKEY

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful pet poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost.

Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The poodle thinks, “Uh-oh, I’m in deep trouble now!”

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy,that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew,”" says the leopard. “That was close. That poodle nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.”

Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet and, just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle says..................... “Where’s that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”

MORAL: SOMETIMES BULLSHIT AND BRILLIANCE ARE THE SAME.

How Old Is Grandma?

One evening, a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.

The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied, “Well, let me think a minute, I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There were no credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers. Clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man had yet to walk on the moon. Your Grandfather and I got married first and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, “Sir”- - and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, “Sir”.”

We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, day-care centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums. We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President’s speeches on our radios. And I don’t ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with ’Made in Japan’ on it, it was junk. The term making out’ referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald s, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5&10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn’t want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail one letter and two postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad because, gas was 11 cents a gallon . In my day, “grass” was mowed, “coke” was a cold drink, “pot” was something your mother cooked in, and “rock music” was your grandmother’s lullaby. “Aids” were helpers in the Principal’s office, “chip” meant a piece of wood, “hardware” was found in a hardware store and “software” wasn’t even a word. And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to ha! ve a baby

No wonder people call us “old and confused” and say there is a generation gap.

And how old do you think grandma is? Grandma is 58 (born 1946). How could so much go wrong in such a short time?

YA GOTTA LUV THE IRISH

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.Upon her return, her father cussed her; “Where haveyou been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn’t you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn’t you call? You little tramp! Don’t you know what you put your Mum through?”

“The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff...Dad... I became a prostitute...”

“WHAT!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family - I don’t ever want to see you again!”

“OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for $5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club... (takes a breath)... an invitation for you all to spend New Years’ Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and....”

“Now what was it you said you had become?”

Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad!... Sniff, sniff”

“Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said “a Protestant.” Come here and give your old man a hug!”

HOW DID YOU BREAK YOUR ARM?

Even if you aren’t a skier, you’ll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper:

A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart. Conditions were perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over...the “Tell me when we’re having fun” kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn’t help matters. With time running out, the woman weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her, “The white will provide more than adequate camouflage.” So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing.

If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don’t move. Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments.

Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.

The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital.

While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. “So, how’d you break your leg?” she asked, making small talk.

“It was the stupidest thing you ever saw,” he said. “I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn’t believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift.”

“So, how’d you break your arm?”

The Blind Pilots

The entrance opens, two men dressed in Pilots’ uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die.!”

  1. Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
  2. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she’s 97 years old and we don’t know where the hell she is.
  3. The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
  4. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
  5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
  6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
  7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
  8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
  9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
  10. And last but not least: I don’t exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
  11. You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER:

  1. Sag, You’re It.
  2. Hide and go pee.
  3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
  4. Kick the Bucket.
  5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says “Bend Over.”
  6. Musical Recliners
  7. Simon Says “Something Incoherent.”
  8. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

  1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
  2. You have to write post-it notes with your kid’s names on them.
  3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:

  1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
  2. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just so long as you don’t have to go along.
  3. Getting a little action means I don’t need fiber today.
  4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
  5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee.
  6. A friend is like a good bra. Hard to find, supportive, comfortable, and always close to your heart.

THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEKEND:

  • I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!
  • When I was young we used to go “skinny dipping,” now I just “chunky dunk.”
  • My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that’s what he said.
  • Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live FOREVER.
  • Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

You might be a redneck if. . .

  • It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, “One nation, under God.”
  • You’ve never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
  • You still say “Christmas” instead of “Winter Festival.”
  • You bow your head when someone prays.
  • You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
  • You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.
  • You’ve never burned an American flag.
  • You know what you believe and you aren’t afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
  • You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
  • You’d give your last dollar to a friend.

Sad, isn’t it?

ABOUT FRANCE

“France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.” --- Mark Twain

“I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.” --- General George S. Patton

“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.” --- Norman Schwartzkopf

“We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.” --- Marge Simpson

“As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure” --- Jacques Chirac, President of France

“As far as France is concerned, you’re right.” --- Rush Limbaugh

“The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.” --- Regis Philbin

An old saying:
Raise your right hand if you like the French....
Raise both hands if you are French.

“You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn’t have the face for it.” --- John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

“You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people.” --- Conan O’Brien

“I don’t know why people are surprised that France won’t help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France!” --- Jay Leno

“The last time the French asked for ’more proof’, it came marching into Paris under a German flag.” --- David Letterman

Hollywood Squares

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

  1. Do female frogs croak?
  2. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
  1. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
  2. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
  1. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
  2. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
  1. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
  2. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.
  1. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
  2. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
  1. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
  2. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
  1. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I Love You”?
  2. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
  1. What are “Do It,” “I Can Help,” and “I Can’t Get Enough”?
  2. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
  1. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
  2. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.
  1. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
  2. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
  1. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
  2. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.
  1. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
  2. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
  1. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
  2. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
  1. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
  2. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.
  1. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
  2. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
  1. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
  2. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
  1. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
  2. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
  1. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
  2. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
  1. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
  2. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
  1. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
  2. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn’t neglected.
  1. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
  2. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
  1. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
  2. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
  1. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
  2. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
  1. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
  2. Charley Weaver: His feet
  1. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
  2. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

CNN is reporting that Lance Armstrong may be stripped of his 6th Tour de France title.

In a random check for banned substances, 3 were found in Armstrong’s hotel room.

The 3 substances banned by the French that were found in his hotel room were as follows:

  1. Toothpaste
  2. Deodorant
  3. Soap

The French officials then submitted Armstrong to an invasive physical and found several other foreign items which they had never seen before including testicles and a backbone . . . .

John F. Kerry speaks:

“The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.”- John F. Kerry

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”- John F. Kerry

“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ’to be prepared’.”- John F. Kerry

“I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.”- John F. Kerry

“The future will be better tomorrow.”- John F. Kerry

“We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world.”- John F. Kerry

“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”- John F. Kerry

“We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.”- John F. Kerry

“Public speaking is very easy.”- John F. Kerry

“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.”- John F. Kerry

“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”- John F. Kerry

“For NASA, space is still a high priority.”- John F. Kerry

“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.”- John F. Kerry

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”- John F. Kerry

“Its time for the human race to enter the solar system.”- John F. Kerry

The Guy’s Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys’ side of the story.

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

  • Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

  • Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

  • Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

  • Crying is blackmail.

  • Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

  • “Yes” and “No” are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

  • Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

  • A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

  • Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

  • If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

  • If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

  • If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

  • You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

  • Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

  • Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

  • ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

  • If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

  • If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

  • If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

  • When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

  • Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

  • You have enough clothes.

  • You have too many shoes.

  • I am in shape. Round is a shape.

  • Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

A Refreshing Bit of Humor in Political Wars

Once upon a time, there was a Presidential election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice-fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to settle things. The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.

After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in North Dakota. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.

At the end of the first day, George W. returns to the starting line and he has 10 fish. Soon, John Kerry returns and has zero fish. Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully, he will catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day George W. comes in with 20 fish and Kerry comes in again with none.

That evening, Al Gore gets together secretly with Kerry and says, “John, I think George W. is a lowlife, cheatin’ son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don’t even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way.”

The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish), Gore says to Kerry, “Well, what about it, is George W. cheatin’?”

“He sure is, Al, he’s cutting holes in the ice.”

Brain Cramps

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,” --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” --Mariah Carey

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,” --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,” --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,” --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.” --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,” --A congressional candidate in Texas.

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.” --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” --Al Gore, Vice President

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” --Dan Quayle

“It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another” --George Bush, US President

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?” --Lee Iacocca

“I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version.” --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.

“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.” --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” --Bill Clinton, President

“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.” --Al Gore, VP

“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.” --Keppel Enderbery

“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.” --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

An Engineer Story

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet her an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

I am,” replied the man, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”

The man below responded, “You must be in Management.”

I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

The Year’s Best [actual] Headlines of 2002...

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last A while

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Hillary & the Late Nite Guys

“Hillary’s got this huge book, it’s a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book shesays when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said ’I could hardly breath, I was gulping for air.’ No, I’m sorry, that’s what Monica said.” - David Letterman

“Hillary Clinton’s book hits the stores this Monday. Oh boy, it took her a long time to write it. But in her defense, every time she tried to use the desk, Bill was always using it for a date.” - Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton’s 506-page memoirs comes out next week. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you’ll want to sleep with an intern.” - Craig Kilborn

“In Hillary Clinton’s new book ’Living History,’ Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts.” - Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton has finished her memoirs for publication next year, while Bill has barely finished the first chapter. Well, in all fairness, Fiction is a lot harder to write.” - Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.” - David Letterman

“Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same.” - Jay Leno

“Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch.” - Late, Late Show host Craig Kilborn

“Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments.” - David Letterman

“CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she’s strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.” - Jay Leno

Pithy sayings

  1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
  2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  4. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
  5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where’s the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
  6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  7. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands! with soap?
  8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  9. Is there another word for synonym?
  10. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
  11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
  12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  14. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
  15. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
  16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  17. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  18. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
  19. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
  20. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  21. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
  22. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
  23. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  24. How is it possible to have a civil war?
  25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
  26. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
  27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
  29. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
  30. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
  31. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
  32. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
  33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
  34. What is the speed of dark?
  35. Why is something that makes coffee called a coffee maker but something that makes toast is caller a toaster?

Quotes

I won’t be wronged, I won’t be insulted, I won’t be laid a hand on. I don’t do these things to other people and I require the same from them.
- John Wayne

No man’s life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
- Mark Twain (1866)

I said I didn’t have much use for them, I never said I didn’t know how to use them.
- Quigley on the Colt pistol

Miscellaneous

Here are some things I’ve found. I’m not taking credit for them but at the same time I won’t attribute them to someone else since I’m not sure who they belong to.

  • I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.
  • I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.
  • I think that being a student doesn’t give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus, of college, you haven’t begun to be enlightened.
  • I don’t hate the rich. I don’t pity the poor.
  • I think global warming is a big lie.
  • I’ve never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn’t wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut-the-Hell-up already.
  • I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution.
  • I think the cops have every right to shoot you if you’re running from them. I also think they have the right to pull you over if you’re breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
  • I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don’t want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.
  • I believe if she has her lips on your Willie, it’s sex, and this applies even if you are President of the United States.
  • I believe the money I make belongs to me and my heirs, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to reward crack addicts for producing babies.
  • I think owning a gun doesn’t make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.
  • Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
  • I believe the organization is called the Boy Scouts for a reason, which is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts!
  • I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is your opinion.
  • The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.
  • I have the right “NOT” to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or just irritate me.
  • When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the law of statistics.
  • I know what sex is, and there are not varying degrees of it. If I received sex from one of my subordinates in my office, it wouldn’t be a private matter or my personal business. I would be “FIRED” immediately!
  • If you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen you should have to speak English!
  • I think the police have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can’t understand the word “stop” in English, please see above.
  • I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount votes when needed.
  • I know what the word “lying” means, and I have a fair idea of what the definition of “is” is!
  • I don’t think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.
  • We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document and open to their interpretations.
  • I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that’s better and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you.
  • It doesn’t take a whole village to raise a child, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid, smack his/her little ass when necessary, and say "NO".
  • I am sick of “Political Correctness” and all the simpering suck-ups that go along with it. I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa, so how can they be “African Americans?” Besides, Africa is a continent. I don’t go around saying I am a European American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.
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